The Hogwarts Rules
by aliceinwonderland2000
Summary: There is a list of rules for Hogwarts...but how did they come about? Why are students not allowed to sing "We're off to see the wizard" when going to see Professor Dumbledore, or paint houselves blue and call them smurfs? Find out here...
1. Chapter 1: The Rules

**I don't even know why I'm writing this. But oh well. This first chapter is a list that I found on a profile. Next chapter, I'll start to show you exactly how these rules came to be…**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!**

**- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar**

**- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.**

**- I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort**

**- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape**

**- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda**

**- I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.**

**- The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.**

**- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 10 minutes, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.**

**- It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.**

**- "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.**

**- Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."**

**- I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them smurfs**

**- The Whomping Willow is not a Entwife**

**- I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!**

**- So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead.**

**- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret**

**- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.**

**- Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...**

**- Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.**

**- I am not allowed to sing 'we're off to see the wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office**

**- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.**

**- Especially not with kazoos.**

**- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".**

**- Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other house is forbidden.**

**- There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".** **Even if I do conjure him up.**

**- Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.**

**- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.**

**- Especially in reference to Dolores Umbridge.**

**- I will not write "Wizard" on my hat in sequins.**

**- I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"**

**- I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."**

**- Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas.**

**- No combination of these is acceptable.**

**- Murmuring "I see dead people… " every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.**

**- Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.**

**- I am no longer allowed to sing my "own personal spy music" when I wander around the hallways.**

**- I should not remark that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" when Snape gets angry. Ever.**

**- If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change.**

**- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.**

**- I must not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.**

**- I will not give Hagrid pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals**

~~~~~_**HP~~~~~**_

**This is going to be fun…**

**ttfn**

–**MaryAlice**


	2. Chapter 2: Batmobile

**Hello, and welcome to the second chapter of The Hogwarts Rules!**

**Today we have:**

**- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!**

**Let's see what I can make of this…**

**Marauder Era, 5****th**** Year**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I don't even own these jokes. I own nothing!**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Remus pulled his trunk onto the train. Each year it seemed to get heavier and heavier, yet each year he only packed the bare necessities.

He dumped it in the carriage and sat down next to Peter. James and Sirius weren't there yet – they were always late – and Peter was sat reading a comic of some kind.

"Hey Remus" he said excitedly "Look what my mum got me"

Peter pushed the magazine across to Remus, and the taller boy raised his eyebrows. Batman? Wasn't that for five year olds?

"Very nice, Peter"

"Hey, what's that?" Two voices appeared, and when Remus looked up he saw his two other best friends; James Potter and Sirius Black.

"It's a muggle comic" replied Peter, so excited he was nearly wetting himself. He was always like this when James or Sirius took an interest in him or one of his possessions.

"Batman?" asked James

"What's batman?" concurred Sirius

"What does it sound like?" asked Remus grumpily. Why was everyone getting so excited about one stupid magazine?

"He's a man with bat like powers!" Remus was sure Peter must have wet himself now.

"Sirius, look at that"

"Batmobile…"

"Yeah, it's a car-"

"With bat like powers. Yes Peter, we get it"

James and Sirius sat down opposite Peter and Remus, heads together, engrossed in the comic.

Remus rolled his eyes. Oh well. It wasn't like anymore rubbish could fit into their heads…

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

A girl screamed. One long, terrible scream and everyone in Hogsmede looked to the skies.

The mass of Hogwarts students, just seconds ago having been joking and laughing with each other were now running and shouting.

Dementors.

Remus went pale, his knees shaking. He collapsed to the ground, tears unconsciously rolling down his face.

He was reliving that night…so cold…so painful. His mother screaming, just like the girl had done…his father crying out and shouting…and Greyback giggling monstrously in delight at Remus' overwhelming pain .

His first transformation…it hurt so much…the chains…the biting…the scratching…inhuman.

And then he heard footsteps in his conscious mind. Someone dragging him away. Chocolate on his tongue.

He slowly came to his senses. He looked around him, at the crowds of people on the pavements, cowering by shop windows. He himself was lying on the ground by Honeydukes.

And in front of him, on the empty street, thirty of them

Dementors. He shuddered.

Then his blood ran cold.

James and Sirius were in the middle of them.

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" They yelled in synchronisation, and two animals, a black dog and a graceful stag emerged from their wands. Heroes. Not like Remus, who had fallen so easily.

And then, as the silvery beings rounded up the dementors, they both pointed to the skies.

"TO THE BATMOBILE!!!"

And then, presumably using Wingardium Leviosa, they floated into the air.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Why, boys?" McGonagall was resigned.

"Well, miss"

"You see miss"

"Everyone looked scared"

"Even though we just…oh I don't know what to call it. Do you, Sirius?"

"Saving the day, James"

"That's right. Everyone looked scared, even though we'd just saved the day"

"So, miss"

"You'll see in a minute miss"

"We decided to cheer them up, miss"

"So why, boys, did you choose to pretend to be a muggle cartoon character, despite the fact there are two of you and only one of him, and confuse the entire population of Hogsmede even more?"

"There's no rule against it" The two boys grinned.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**What did you think? Love it? Hate it?**

**Don't be mean, but please review!**

**x-Mary-x-Alice-x**


	3. Chapter 3: Flea Collar

**Well hi!  
**

**Thanks for the reviews and story alerts and favourites etc. That was really cool!**

**This chapter:**

**Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar**

**A Fred/George one, in Harry and co's 5****th**** year when the Weasleys are living at Grimmauld Place.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

George collapsed onto his bed. The good thing about having the bottom bunk was that you could collapse onto it, which was much harder to do on the top bunk. That was one of the reasons George always let Fred have the top bunk.

He was tired; he and Fred had been causing havoc all over the house, not that it in itself had tired him out, but Molly Weasley had chased them all over the place, screaming at the top of her lungs. The twins had run away as fast as their long legs would carry them, but still the much shorter woman had managed to catch up with them.

In the end, they had run out onto the road, across to the park and hidden in various bushes and trees, dodging whenever they thought Molly could see them. The problem then had been then that a vicious bulldog had decided to sit beneath the tree George had hidden in and growl at him threateningly.

George then had to jump to another tree. Well, he tried to, but he fell, and the dog started chasing after him then, running all over the park, while Fred howled with laughter and Molly screamed at Fred and George for all the havoc, and the dog for chasing one of her sons.

So, when everybody had got home, the dog was limping, Fred had nearly cracked four of his ribs laughing, George was exhausted and had a sore arse and Molly had lost her voice.

So, just an average day for the twins.

Fred was talking to Hermione and Ron, the three of them in Ron's room. Harry wasn't there yet, so it had become a meeting room as it was relatively spacious and had one less occupant than it should do.

George felt sorry for the one picture in the room. No Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived (or rather, he thought, The Boy Who Defeated The Dark Lord And Everyone Then Gossiped About Him) who would be an obvious source of mystery and entertainment for a humble painting, and the consolation prize had been a barely homosapian ginger; also known as Ronald.

He had half a mind to apparate into the downstairs bedroom, but the other half wanted to sleep. As well as apply some sort of healing potion to his sorely-bitten arse. He let his eyes droop and his mind pull him into a world where there was no Voldemort.

Not that old Voldy disturbed either of the twins a great deal, but it did make people more cranky, and therefore got the two into more trouble than they would normally have been him.

_If that twat had never existed _thought George _we could have got away with so much…_

And then he slept, dreaming happy things of all the pranks he and Fred would have done had the biggest twat in the universe never existed.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"George, wake up you git" Fred's loving toned jolted George from his happy sleep. He rubbed his eyes and looked up at his twin.

"What?"

"Its seven o'clock in the evening, and your _asleep. _New bedtime?"

"No"

"So just a nap, then"

"Correct"

"Awesome. We should have them every day"

"No, Fred. Miss out on valuable prank time"

"True, true. Although that could be a good excuse next year, George"

"What, we tell McGonagall that it couldn't have been us because we were _taking a nap?"_

"Precisely. We could show her a couple of pacifiers or something"

"Nice one twin"

"My thoughts exactly" Fred grinned down at his brother and hopped onto his bed.

"What did you wake me up for, anyway?" asked George, now much more awake.

"Its Lupin's birthday next week"

"So?"

"Well, we need to get him a present, obviously" said Fred in a 'duh' tone

"What shall we get him then? What would he want?"

"Well, I have an idea…" Fred jumped down and whispered in Georges ear. A grin spread over both their faces.

"Perfect" they said together.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Happy Birthday!" cried the group of people gathered in the kitchen. All the Weasleys, Hermione, Moody, McGonagall, Sirius and several others were there; Remus Lupin was a well loved man. Well, werewolf. But still.

"Presents!" Molly pushed the pile onto Lupin's place at the dinner table. There was a stack of them, even one that Harry had sent with Hedwig.

Lupin opened each one with great care, smiling gratefully and thanking each person graciously.

Books, jumpers, sweets came out. Fred and George's present was left unopened until last.

"Ah, Fred and George. Before I open it, may I ask a few things?" said Lupin, amused

"Of course" the twins replied innocently together

"Is it explosive?"

"No"

"Is it poisonous?"

"No"

"Is it dangerous?"

"No"

"Will it hurt me if I touch it?"

"No"

"Is it harmful in any way, shape or form?"

"No" The twins were positively gleeful now. Unbeknown to anyone else, they were also readying themselves to run away after the paper had come off.

Lupin seemed satisfied. He ripped open the Christmas paper they had wrapped it in, despite the fact it was July.

The twins held their breath as it came into his view

Then…

"What is this?" Lupin asked pleasantly

"Well, Lupin" started Fred

"Remus" cut in George

"For your monthly travels"

"We thought you might want"

"A flea collar?" Lupin asked amused

"Well, we thought you might like the pink in your canine self"

"And the sparkles" added George

Then they saw Molly's face, gulped, and ran.

Straight into Professor McGonagall.

"Well, boys, usually I'd say my office, but I suppose Sirius' will have to do" she said. The twins nodded in reply.

They trudged up the stairs, across the hall, and into the makeshift office that Sirius had been using for the past few weeks to do research on what Voldemort and co might be doing.

McGonagall sat down at the desk, and looked at them sternly

"Sit" she said, conjuring two hard backed chairs into the air. They sat. They may as well have been in her office; it certainly felt like it.

"Why, boys? What on earth possessed you to buy one of your closest friends a _flea collar-"_

"A pink flea collar miss" cut in George

"And don't forget the sparkles" added Fred

"What on earth possessed you to buy one of your closest friends – and a werewolf at that – a pink _sparkly _flea collar"

The boys shrugged

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Like it? Hate it?**

**Please REVIEW!!!!**

**x-Mary-x-Alice-x**


	4. Chapter 4: Time Of The Month

**Hello again! I should be doing French revision right now, but I already know all that…sort of…okay, I don't, but I prefer writing!**

**In this chapter:**

**I will not make jokes about Lupin and his time of the month**

**And this is back in the Marauder era – 7****th**** year! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, shape or form, own Harry Potter or anything related to it. I do, however, own "The Most Annoying Keyring In The World"**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Lily turned over in her bed, groaning. She was in pain – a pain only girls knew – and that pain brought a sense of foreboding. She stretched and lifted up the covers of her four poster bed.

She groaned again. Yep, blood was all over the sheets.

She staggered out of bed, grabbing her washbag, and into the ensuite bathroom the seventh year girls shared, pulling a pair of knickers out of the drawer as she went.

When she came back out, her best friend, Alice, was up, groggily looking out the window.

"Is it Saturday, Lily?" she asked "Please tell me it's Saturday, Lily"

"Its Tuesday, Alice. Sorry." Lily replied grumpily. She had her own problems

"Time of the month?" asked Alice sympathetically

"Found out this morning" replied Lily moodily.

"Aww, poor Lily" Alice rolled off her bed, onto the floor, then jumped up and went into the bathroom.

Lily rubbed her eyes then walked over to the chest of drawers. She started pulling out random pieces of clothing and dressing in them, too tired and PMSing to care what she looked like.

Alice flung open the door and stomped across the room. She grabbed her washbag, then stomped back into the bathroom.

Lily rolled her eyes. She and Alice had been living together for the past 6 and a half years, and Alice still didn't get the fact their periods were in perfect sync.

Alice flung open the door – again – and stomped across the room – again. She then collapsed on her bed, throwing the washbag onto the floor. Lily picked it up and put it on Alice's bedside table, as the other girl rolled over and stared up at her red haired best friend.

"_Why" _she moaned "Why did God choose women?"

"Because men would get confused as to where the tampon goes." Lily replied calmly.

"Fair point. Where are the others?" she said, finally noticing that the other three girls, Molly, Andie and Jess were not there.

"They'd left already. It seems we're already ten minutes late for breakfast"

Alice jumped up at that, and bounced across the room to her chest of drawers. She did the exact same thing as Lily had just done, pulling out random pieces of clothing at producing a mismatched outfit.

They both raced down to the Great Hall. Alice slipped down one of the secret passageways that the Marauders had showed them, and Lily only hesitated for a moment before following her.

They tumbled down the hidden stairs and came out by the Great Hall, emerging out of a gargoyle and frightening some first years. The Head Girl and her best friend brushed themselves down, then entered the hall.

They plopped down opposite the Marauders and Frank, Alice and Lily dropping kisses onto Frank and James.

James and Frank sat and looked dazed for a moment, then shook themselves and took in their girlfriends' appearances.

"Lily, Alice" said Sirius, sat next to James

"Did you forget to dress properly?" finished Peter. Lily glared at him; she'd never liked him really, she just felt sorry for him. And when he started being cheeky she didn't feel so sorry for him anymore.

"Time of the month" the girls said together, just before putting mouthfuls of corn flakes into their mouths.

The five boys looked at each other, scared. Only Remus was really relaxed, and he muttered to James

"I know about them"

James started laughing, and the others all stared at him like he was mad.

"Oh," he said casually "Remus was just moaning"

"About what?" asked Alice, her eyes sparking with interest. Lily rolled hers. She loved Alice to bits, but she was the biggest gossip in Hogwarts, and everyone knew it.

"Well, you see, his _monthly problems _are due tomorrow. He'll be off school for them"

"Yeah, his PMS is _really _bad. Awful pain, isn't it Remus?" Sirius caught on

"Erm…yeah" said Remus, blushing furiously and eying the two jokers rather angrily

"His _time of the month _is really bad, isn't it Prongs?"

"Just terrible Padfoot. Terrible"

"I've never seen any _time of the month _quite like it, have you?" Sirius winked

"No, I haven't Mr Black" James and Sirius turned round, and McGonagall was stood behind them. They looked at each other, dark eyes meeting hazel, and gulped.

"My office. Now" she said, pointing them upstairs. They nodded and trudged out of the Great Hall.

Lily looked at Frank, Remus and Peter.

"What was that about?"

Remus looked at Peter, then said "They painted the Slytherin Common Room pink"

"With sparkles. Don't forget the sparkles" squeaked Peter.

Lily and Alice scrutinized them, slightly disbelieving. But then they shrugged and went back to their cereal.

Peter and Remus exchanged a sideways glance. That had been close.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

_**Meanwhile…**_

"Do you realise the implications of your words?" screeched Professor McGonagall "Lily Evans and Alice Prewett are two of the cleverest students at this school, as well as Frank Longbottom. So making implications about Mr Lupin having a _'time of the month' _as you so crudely put it could well lead to one of those three realising his secret"

James and Sirius looked at each other. Sirius giggled.

McGonagall swooped down on him, barking

"What are you laughing at, Black?"

"Well miss…" he choked through laughter

"Sirius was just wondering" James added

"If you're on _your _time of the month"

The two boys broke down laughing. McGonagall didn't even dignify that with an answer; she just glared at the pair with a glint in her eye that told them if they didn't take her seriously, there would be _big _trouble.

The boys stopped laughing. Last time there had been _big _trouble, they hadn't been able to play Quidditch for a month.

"So boys, would you like to explain why you chose to make jokes about Mr Lupins unfortunate monthly habit which happens to be at the same time of a woman's monthly cycle?"

Well, miss" they said together, giving each other a sideways glance

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Did you like it? It was hard to write, and I'm reasonable pleased with it…**

**What about you?**

**Tell me! Review!!!!!!!**

**- Mary Alice**


	5. Chapter 5: Get A Life

**Thanks for the reviews! You guys are great!**

**And in other news:**

**I HATE ICT!!!!  
**

…

**Ahem**

**In this chapter:**

**I will not say "dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort**

**And this, my friends, is a James/Lily story!**

**Yay!**

**This is one of the times that James and Lily "thrice defeated the dark lord". This one is going to be more serious than the last, but it would have to be that way, as most Death Eaters aren't pink and sparkly.**

**Now **_**there's **_**an idea…**

**Oh, and another thing; I'm now going to try and make a reference in every chapter to pink and/or sparkly things. Because I'm cool.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but a white laptop and an overactive imagination**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Lily's breathing was heavy. She looked across the clearing, to where the Death Eaters stood. They were chanting and sending up patterns of sparks in the air whilst they did. There was no doubt about it; this was a vital ritual, one that Lord Voldemort would _not _want ruining.

She grasped James' hand a little tighter, and he glanced at her, his face mirroring hers.

It was their 50th mission for the Order of the Phoenix. Dumbledore had, as it seemed to Lily, known that they were the only ones who had a chance of completing such a dangerous one, and even then he had been regretful when giving it to them.

They had planned it, as they always did, very carefully. It had been meticulously scoured by Remus, Sirius, Peter and Dumbledore before they let them go. Changes had been made, adjustments put in, and now they were going to put it in action.

Lily had never been more scared in her life.

That was the flaw, you see. It looked all very well and good on paper, but they had to _wait. _There was the problem; the tension was overwhelming, and Lily's nerves were running thin.

A bead of sweat dripped from her forehead.

The sparks were getting higher and higher, brilliant blues, radiant reds and gleaming greens. If it wasn't so terrifying, it would have been beautiful.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

James looked across at his fiancé – he still couldn't believe she had said yes – and saw that, like him, the tension and terror was getting to her. Sweat dripped from her forehead, just like his, and her green eyes were locked on the mystifying sparks that were flying into the air.

He blew out a sigh. It had been a long wait. A very long wait.

And the real problem was that they had to be watching _all the time. _James wouldn't have minded the wait if he could have been kissing Lily during said wait, but Dumbledore had taken him aside and told him not to.

They had, after all, been caught kissing several times at Hogwarts.

James thought back to his seven years at the beloved school. Time had flown by, too fast. He hadn't even realised it, yet now, when he looked back, he wished more than anything he could be sat on one of the comfy sofas in the Gryffindor Common Room, with Lily curled up on his lap and a mug of hot chocolate for both of them.

As it was, he was hidden in the freezing cold behind a load of trees, hand grasping Lily's, watching a load of evil maniacs doing an evil maniac ritual that he and the woman he was insanely in love with were going to have to intervene in.

The time for them to step in was coming closer and closer. There was a crucial moment during the crazy ritual in which, if the spell went wrong, the entire ritual would be destroyed, and hopefully a few death eaters who had given their blood to it too.

_If _they did it right.

He looked over at Lily. Yes, she was terrified. Yes, she was sweating. Yes, she was shaking. Yes, she looked sick. But he'd never been more in love with her than this moment.

A golden thread of sparks flew into the air. James gulped.

It was time.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Lily and James stepped forward from the forest, into the clearing. Lily's hands shook slightly, and James took in a deep breath. They could see them. All of them.

They couldn't see their faces, but they could tell who they were. On the edge of the circle was a skinny, hooded figure they hadn't seen before, but they both knew who it was.

Lily squeezed James' hand even tighter, and he narrowed his eyes.

In the centre, his arms thrown up in the air but his head down, was the repulsive, devastating leader. Tom Marvolo Riddle.

Aka Lord Voldemort.

For one heart stopping moment, nothing happened. James Potter and Lily Evans stood at one side of the clearing, with the Death Eaters in the centre, a stillness in the air.

Then Voldemort's head snapped up, and his red eyes filled Lily and James' minds for a moment.

He hissed.

Lily and James knew what they had to do

"_INVERTALIO!" _They yelled, throwing their arms in the air, pink sparks erupting from their wands. The two sparkling threads entwined together, and shot towards the centre of the circle.

"_PROTEGO!" _screamed Voldemort, but the other spell went straight through his shield.

The centre of the circle, around Voldemort, burst into flames, and the Death Eaters jumped back, several of them screaming.

Those were the ones who had given their blood. Those were the ones that would die tonight.

Voldemort stood in the centre, engulfed in flames. Neither Lily nor James bothered to even hope he might die; they both knew their wasn't enough human left in him to do such a thing.

"Ready, love?" asked James, trying not to let his voice shake

"Definitely" replied Lily. She kissed him on the lips for one moment, and then jumped into the air.

James followed her, and they sped through the air away from the scene of the battle.

Lily was nervous for three reasons:

She didn't like flying

She wasn't sure how long the enchantment on the cloaks they were wearing to let them fly would last

The Death Eaters wouldn't be far behind them

James heard Voldemort's shriek of rage as the pair got away.

"AFTER THEM!" he screeched, and within seconds the Death Eaters had accioed their brooms and were in the air, coming after James and Lily.

It was a chase now. Evil chased after goodness, like the devil clinging onto angel's wings.

And if the angels were caught, they both knew there'd be worse than hell to face.

Lily could feel the enchantments wearing off, and she knew James would be able to too.

She glanced at him. He nodded in reply.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

They plummeted towards the ground, into the thickest part of the wood they could see.

James conjured a patronus, still in the air, and muttered a message to Dumbledore as fast as he could. By the time he hit the ground, the stag was gone.

James just hoped to God they made it in time.

Lily landed next to him, but they didn't acknowledge each other's presence, other than Lily saying

"Animagus forms"

In a second, where there had been a tall black haired man and a slightly smaller red haired woman were a stag and a doe.

They touched noses together, then ran.

Well, galloped.

The Death Eaters were there by now. Prongs could smell it. He twisted in the dark forest, through tiny passageways, over logs and under branches. He could smell Lily was nearby.

He looked behind him. There was a light…the Death Eaters must be using Lumos. He cursed mentally. Prongs took off at almighty speed, and his mate did too.

The two deer galloped through the wood, silent and alert. Prongs knew that humans were loud, but deer weren't. Deer didn't have big, heavy, ungraceful feet like humans did. Deer had slender, quiet, graceful feet that could get anywhere without a sound.

They eventually got to the other side of the forest. They swapped back to human form, knowing that in the open they were less vulnerable as humans.

Humans can do magic. Deer can't.

The Death Eaters were nowhere to be seen. Lily grasped James' hand, and they stepped out into the open grass.

Swirling black cloaks billowed everywhere. Lily coughed as a horrible, familiar smell penetrated her throat and nose.

Death Eaters.

They were surrounded.

James swore.

"Well, well, well" his voice sent shivers down Lily's spine "What have we here?"

"We're called humans" James retorted, braver than he felt "Look them up"

"Very amusing, blood traitor" snapped Voldemort. James smiled serenely

"No need to compliment me"

"Not when I can compliment you lovely _mudblood _fiancé" Voldemort hissed

James tensed, but didn't say anything

"I'd rather be a mudblood than a liar" Lily said, her green eyes meeting his red ones.

"Liar? Me? Never, darling Lily. Never"

"Really? Told your precious Death Eaters about Daddy, have we?" Voldemort went pale, and hissed again.

"Silence. You know nothing"

"I know something you don't know"

"Impossible"

"Evidently not"

"Enlighten us, then. Lily Evans, mudblood" he spat

"Love"

"Love?"

"Love, amor, amore, liefde, amour, liebe. L. O. V. E."

"Love" added James

Something gleamed in the distance, catching James' eye. A silver phoenix lingered at the edge of the wood.

James blew out a sigh of relief

"That's how the spell got through" said Lily "No spell should have got through that shield charm"

"It was because you combined" snapped Voldemort

"How could we have combined if we didn't love each other?" Lily replied quietly. Silence reigned for a moment

"No! Love does not exist!" Voldemort yelled to the sky.

Lily and James stared at him speculatively

"Dude, get a life" James said, before he and Lily apparated to Hogwarts.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Dumbledore had the gates open. Lily and James sprinted in, and the huge iron constructions shut by themselves. James bent over, panting from the exhilaration.

Then Lily slapped him.

"Wha?" He yelled in surprise

"JAMES POTTER!" she screeched "HOW DARE YOU! TELLING LORD VOLDEMORT TO _GET A LIFE!!! _WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!"

"I don't know…" James whimpered.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO IT THEN?????!!!!"

"Well, erm, Lily -

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Wow! That took a while to write!**

**Wasn't as funny as previous chapters, I know, but did you like it?**

**-Mary Alice**


	6. Chapter 6: Batman's Cape

**Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't updated for a while…I was in Spain on an exchange. Viva España! Me encanta!**

**I'll shut up now.**

**So here's the next chapter…from the Twin's Point of View!**

**This time:**

**I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The twins sat together in every lesson. No matter how often the teacher's moved them, and where to, they_ always _managed to get next to each other again. The most frustrating part was that they did it slowly, lesson over lesson, without the teacher noticing, and then, one day, there they would be, at the back of the classroom, ginger heads together and forming some genius prank.

It made McGonagall "tsk" every time, but she smiled secretly. They reminded her so of four boys she had once known, one of whom was dead, two in hiding and the final one a traitor.

The twins were closer to the Marauders than they ever knew, and the teachers were careful not to mention it. It was well known in the staff that the twins were on speaking terms with Sirius and Remus, and they didn't want the twins to go asking for more ideas.

Like they needed any.

Another thing they had in common with the Marauders, as well as an uncanny ability to sit next to each other and naturally mischevious minds, they also had a favourite victim, and an enemy, all rolled into one.

The same one, in fact, that the Marauders had had.

Severus Snape.

The mere mention of his name made the twins grin reminiscently, reminding them of the many pranks they had performed on him over the years.

It was their seventh year of Hogwarts, and Umbridge was installing her reign of terror over the school. There were, of course, only two pupils entirely unaffected by this; the Weasley Twins.

Whilst the rest of the student body creeped about the castle, being careful to comply with Umbridge's rules, or revelled in new found power given to them by the putrid witch.

But not the Weasley Twins. Naturally, they went about their business as normal, not really caring that the current DADA teacher had complete control over the school.

To them she was just a new victim, who happened to be particularly interesting and amusing to provoke.

But, in the end, they always got bored of their new victims, and went back to their old favourite.

Snape.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

It was a Tuesday morning in December, and the ice was beginning to mist the air around Hogwarts. The seventh year potions class huddled in the dungeons, their breath coming out in clouds of steam. Fred and George, for a change, sat at the front instead of the back, though they still sat together.

Snape swept into his classroom, apparently unaffected by the cold, but Fred and George could see the extra layers below his usual cloak.

They sniggered and started whispering.

The rest of the class braced themselves. They knew that when Fred and George started whispering, they started plotting, and when they started plotting anybody could be next.

Snape set them off brewing the Draught of Living Death. Fred and George were still plotting, and the class were confused. Why hadn't they sprung into action yet?

Then, Snape came to look over their potion, and Fred tipped a wink at Angelina.

The class held its breath.

Snape bent over the cauldron, and then slowly came up.

"Why" he said, slowly and precisely "Have you not prepared the Draught of Living Death?"

"Well, sir"

"You see, sir"

"We had something else in our minds sir"

"And we thought we'd make that instead"

"Sir" they said together. He looked at the two of them

"So why" he spoke just as slowly as before "have you starting preparing verutisarem?"

The class stopped holding his breath, took another breath, and started holding it again

"Well sir"

"There's a question sir"

"That we wanted to ask you sir"

"And we weren't sure sir"

"If you'd want to answer sir"

"And what" Snape's eyes glinted dangerously "is your question"

"Sir, why" Began Fred

"Why oh why oh why" George punctuated his twin

"Why have you stolen Batman's cape?" They finished together.

The class burst into fits of laughter, and Snape's face contorted in anger. He grabbed the both by the ear, then dragged them up to McGonagall's office, them yelping occasionly.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The two boys were stood in front of McGonagall, who was sat with her head in her hands, leaning on her desk. The twins loved that desk. They and it had been through so much together since McGonagall had first turned it into a pig in the First Year.

They'd set fire to it several times, turned it into a piano, charmed it to chase Snape round the castle, forced it to sing classical music in Italian from the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries for five days running, turned it into a frog, turned it into George, turned it into Fred, charmed it to chase Ron round the castle and set it on fire a few more times.

All in all, they had fond memories of that desk.

McGonagall looked up at them, her eyes tired.

"Why, boys? Why?"

"Well, miss" said Fred

"You see, miss" said George

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Did you like it? Hate it?**

**REVIEW!!!  
**

…**but please be nice. I haven't had a great day =(**

**-Mary Alice**


	7. Chapter 7: Yoda

**I know, I know. I haven't updated in yonks. Do not even ask, I have had soooo much on my plate. You would not BELIEVE the amount of work my lovely, caring teachers have been piling on me *mutters angrily***

**But, anyway, here's something to lighten up my (and hopefully your) day**

**Oh, btw, I don't know what time it is for all my lovely American readers (yeah, I'm in Britain) but oh well**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Just had to let that out.**

**Okay, this chapter is going to be from my ginger headed friends' POV**

**This chapter is dedicated to Jack…coz he was the one who nearly killed me when I told him I'd never seen Star Wars**

**This time:**

**Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

It was the summer holidays and the entire Weasley family were assembled at the Burrow. It was one of the hottest summers the Twins had ever known, and the entire unruly wilderness they called their garden sweated in the heat.

Arthur Weasley was tinkering.

Again.

The twins were always bemused by their father's behaviour. It was quite odd to them that a grown man should want to spend all his time inspecting things that were of no relevance to him or his life whatsoever. The Weasley's had been pure blood for generations, though they were renowned as blood traitors; so why on earth should any of them care so much about Muggle artefacts?

This time, it was a pink box.

The twins watched, half fascinated half exasperated as their father tinkered endlessly with this pink box.

He poked it. He turned it around. He cast spells at it. He opened it up to reveal numerous circuits and wires.

The twins were clueless; what the hell was with the stupid pink box?

Finally, when Arthur had fired the wrong spell at it and sparkly fireworks had erupted from the end of his wand, they intervened.

"Dear, dear father" said Fred

"What, may I ask"

"Is this absurd fascination"

"You seem to have developed"

"With this pink box?" They finished together.

Arthur's cheeks pinkened. Not reddened, pinkened.

"It's a muggle device" He said back, quickly.

"We got that" said Fred sarchastically, rolling his eyes.

"But what IS it?" asked George

"It's a…"

"Fish?"

"No"

"Box of chocolates?"

"No"

"Firearm?"

"No"

"Box of pranks?"

"Yes"

"Really?"

"No"

"What is it then?!" they slammed their fists on the workbench in perfect synchronisation.

Arthur puffed his chest out, and stated proudly:

"It's a tellyfission"

"I told you it was something to do with fish, George"

"It's nothing to do with fish!" exclaimed Arthur "It displays videos for muggles to watch"

"Say what now?" asked George

Arthur sighed. His sons, brilliant though they were, knew absolutely nothing about muggles.

"Just, watch the black screen, okay?" he sounded tired. Dealing with the twins always made him that way.

The twins sat down on the bench opposite the box. They were slightly nervous, though they would never admit it.

But what was this box going to do? Explode? Combust? Become engulfed in flames?

Arthur put a rectangular black…thing…inside the pink box, pressed a couple of buttons, and sat next to the boys.

A little green goblin flickered onto the screen. They stared at it, bemused.

"_Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship."_

The little goblin could talk!

"Bloody hell" said George

"What _is _that?"

"That, m'boys, is Yoda. He's in a muggle…show…Star Wars, or something"

The twins grinned at each other.

_Oh Merlin _thought Arthur _what have I just started?_

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**In September**

It was the first day of lessons in the Twin's sixth year. The whole school was abuzz with the news of the Triwizard Tournament. The twins were as excited as everyone else, but chose not to show it.

They were to cool for that. **(A/N That line is for Katie)**

Charms was their first lesson. They looked at their timetables, and grinned.

This was going to be the start of something.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**In Charms**

"Now, class" Flitwick addressed the sixth years stood on his customary stack of books "today we are going to be learning a nifty little charm called _Aguamenti"_

He set the class out to work in partners on the charm, after giving a short demonstration. Walking round the class, he noticed the twins were doing particularly well with this charms.

"Well done, Weasleys" he said to them "Excellent wand movement, boys"

"Thanks Yoda" they replied together, then went back to work.

Filius Flitwick stood for a moment, perplexed by this strange name the twins had referred to him as. He stood for a few seconds too long, and the twins noticed.

"Is there anything we can do to help, Yoda?" they asked, innocent smiles on their faces.

"No, no" Flitwick replied, looking confused "Keep working at aguamenti…"

He went back to his pile of books, clambered up to the top, and watched the class. His mind wasn't on the children though; he was still puzzled by this name.

Yoda.

How very odd.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

This went on for months. The boys called him Yoda time and time again, identical innocent smiles on their faces, and Filius Flitwick grew ever more baffled. What on earth did this "Yoda" mean?

In the end, he got sick of it. He went downstairs to see Professor McGonagall about it, as she was the twins' head of house.

"Ah, Minerva" he said, as he stepped into her office

McGonagall looked up sternly

"Is it important, Filius?"

"Well, yes, I rather think it is" stammered Flitwick

"Sit, then" she pointed with her quill to the empty chair in front of her desk. Flitwick sat in it, feeling quite the naughty schoolboy being summoned to her office to be given a detention.

She finished writing.

"How can I help you, Filius?" she asked, her manner a little less stern

"Well, yes, you see" Flitwick began "I'm having a little trouble with two boys in your house"

"Ah. This is inevitably one of two pairs, both including a Weasley. Either Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter, or the Weasley twins"

"The latter, Minerva"

"Naturally. I do always hope that it's not those two; no punishment I give them seems to affect them whatsoever"

"It's not that they've so much _done _anything, Minerva. It's just an odd little habit they have, that's starting to worry me"

Minerva squinted at him

"What kind of habit?" she said primly "Is this a matter which may be better dealt with by a _male _member of staff?"

"Oh, no" said Flitwick, blushing furiously "Nothing like that. It's a sort of nickname they seem to have come up with for me"

Minerva raised an eyebrow

"A nickname? Surely you can deal with 16 year olds calling you names, Filius"

"well, if they were calling me names, I'm sure I could. But it's not that. They call me _Yoda. _Almost like a pet name, and they say it very politely"

"Yoda?" McGonagall was as much bemused now as Flitwick was "_Yoda?"_

"My reaction exactly" confirmed Flitwick

"I shall investigate it" she nodded at him. He took that as his cue to leave.

"Yes, well, thank you Minerva"

"Quite all right Filius. Leave it with me"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**The next week**

McGonagall had been searching for the source of this "Yoda" word everywhere.

But it could be found nowhere. She spent hours in the library, her stubborn nature not letting her give up on this silly business.

And it was in the library that she found her answer, but not from a book.

It was, of course, from none other but the girl who knew everything: Hermione Granger.

To be honest, McGonagall thought she should have just gone to Granger in the first place, but she hadn't thought of it at the time.

"Yoda?" said Hermione, when McGonagall told her what she was looking for "Well, I don't think you'll find him anywhere in this library, that's for sure"

"Well, who is he, then?"

"He's a character from a Muggle film, called Star Wars. He's very small, as small as Professor Flitwick, and green, and very wrinkled. And he's…" but McGonagall didn't need anymore than that; she had found out exactly what she needed.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**The next day**

The sixth year class for Transfiguration were just packing their books away, when McGonagall said "Could I see the Mr Weasleys after class, please?"

The class looked confused. The twins hadn't done anything that lesson, so why on earth should McGonagall want to see them. But, the students didn't really care that much, so they shrugged, picked up their bags and left.

"My office, boys" she said

They entered her office, and sat in their customary seats

"Minnie, you couldn't crack out some of your lovely biscuits, could you?" asked Fred cheekily

"Please?" George concurred.

"My name is not Minnie. And no. I have something to ask you two"

"What might that be?"

"Minnie?"

She squinted at Fred "Don't call me that. Now, why have you taken it upon yourselves to call Professor Flitwick "Yoda""

"Oh, he told you about that, did he?" said George, delighted

"Well, it is very flattering. Famous wizard was old Yoda" Fred winked

"Boys, I know who Yoda is. Now why would you nickname one of the best professors at this school after a character from a muggle Science Fiction film?"

The twins shrugged

"There's not rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Hmm…that one wasn't as good as past chapters. But, it was quite a difficult one to do. Hope you liked it anyway**

**-Mary Alice**


	8. Chapter 8: The Force

**Well hello again, my lovely people!**

**Firstly, two apologies. The first for not updating for ages before the last chapter; this quick update is part of my resolution to update as much as possible.**

**Secondly, for something I said in the last chapter. I said Happy Christmas to all my American readers, therefore assuming that everyone who reads my stories is either English like me, or American. I'm really, really dory for any offence caused; I promise you that it was completely unintentional, and I do wish you a very happy Christmas as well.**

**Now, with the serious bit over and done with, now for the fun!**

**This time we're with our Marauder buddies again; I do so love those lot.**

**This chapter:**

**I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. But I wish I did.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

It was a cold, misty Tuesday in December, and the Marauders were bored.

This was never a good sign.

"Shall we go and say hello to our dearest pal?" suggested Sirius gloomily

"Yeah, okay" replied James. The four of them trudged down the many flights of stairs, pretending to actually care about what they were doing.

They eventually reached the dungeons, cursed the hell out of Snape without even a cruel joke, and left, still bored.

They resorted to, horror of horror, homework. Sirius and James had never sunk so low before, to do homework during leisure time. Yet here they were, practicing the Accio charm. Like they needed the practice.

The thing about James and Sirius was that, though they spent most of their lesson time messing about, they were still top of the class. It made no sense and infuriated people like Lily Evans who worked hard for what they got, but the boys just found it amusing.

Peter just could not get the Accio Charm right. He tried and tried and tried, but the pink cushion he was practicing on just _would not move!!_

Sirius, Remus and James watched, bored, as Peter failed repeatedly. Eventually, James stood up, after Peter had tried yet another time and only produced sparkling lines of magic.

"Give it up, Wormtail" he said, summoning the cushion with his own wand "You're never going to do it

"Well, it's alright for you three. It's like you've all got the force or something! But me-"

"The what now?" asked Sirius, puzzled

"The force? You know, from Star Wars?"

"Star Wars?"

"It's a muggle film" clarified Remus "The force is where these guys can move stuff with their minds"

"Seriously? No wands?"

"No wands"

"Man, I wish I had that" Sirius stared dreamily into the distance

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**In charms the next day**

Sirius was stood at the front of the classroom, demonstrating how to summon a sparkly horse shoe from across the room.

Of course, being Sirius, he summoned it straight away, no problem.

And, of course, this was what Professor Flitwick had been counting on.

"Now class, what did Mr Black use to summon the horse shoe?"

Two hands went up immediately; the usual two, Lily Evans and Remus Lupin.

And then, slower, lazier, a third hand went up, and Professor Flitwick almost fell off his stack of books in surprise.

_James Potter _was volunteering to answer a question!

"Mr Potter" said professor Flitwick, quite breathless from the shock.

"The force, sir"

"The what?"

"The force, sir"

All the muggleborns and half bloods in the room were laughing; they had, of course, all seen Star Wars.

The pure bloods looked puzzled, and a few pretended to understand and fake laughed along with everyone else, still trying to work out what the joke was.

"Mr Potter, what do you mean?"

"The force, sir"

It was at this moment that Professor McGonagall walked in.

Naturally.

"Ah, Professor Flitwick, may I have a word?"

"Of course, Professor McGonagall"

McGonagall strode up to the front of the classroom and said something to Professor Flitwick, who nodded, said something back, and motioned with his head towards James. McGonagall raised her eyebrows.

"Very well. Mr Potter, if I could speak with you for a moment please"

"Of course, dear Minnie-"

"Do not call me that"

"Whatever I can do to please, dear Minnie"

They exited the classroom, with the class giggling silently under their breath; except Lily Evans, who didn't find James Potter amusing.

"Mr Potter, why on earth do you still have these silly, immature behaviours? Surely you can see that renaming one of the most vital charms you will ever learn "The Force" is not a sensible thing to do?"

"Well, miss-"

"And you know full well that the rest of the class will follow your lead, and then it will spread throughout the school, and Professor Flitwick won't be able to teach the charm properly for weeks because no one will refer to its proper name"

"Well miss-"

"Well what, Potter?"

A long time ago, he would have had to look up to her so she could receive his cheeky grin; but now he had grown a lot, and he was level with her as he pulled that signature smile and said:

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Well, I hope you enjoyed it =)**

**Remember to review!!**

**-Mary Alice**


	9. Chapter 9: The Giant Squid

**Happy new year everybody!!!**

**I really hope 2010 is a good one…if not, 2011 will be better, right?**

**=D**

**In this chapter, we're with our ginger headed friends, again. Yay twins =)**

**There will be a bit of Fred/Angelina fluff here, so sorry if you don't like them as a couple.**

**This time:**

**The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, sadly. But I do own an iPod touch after Santa came ;)**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The Yule Ball was coming around, and the whole of Hogwarts was mad with excitement.

The boys were buying products from Hogsmede to make them appear more attractive to potential dates, and purchasing flowers and various other romantic gifts so persuade girls to come to the ball with them.

The girls giggled manically every time a boy came near, whispered to each other about who they wanted to ask them, and also bought products from Hogsmede to lure in potential dates.

Fred and George Weasley, however, were not so stressed. Fred had already asked Angelina by yelling at her across the Great Hall…

"Oi! Angelina!" He'd yelled

"What?" She'd called back

"Want to come to the ball with me?" He flashed her the legendary Weasley Grin, and she gave him an appraising sort of look and then said

"All right then" and turned back to talking to Alicia Spinnet

And that was that.

George had done a similar thing, just in a different place, with someone else of course.

"OI!! You want to come to the Yule Ball with me?"

She'd thought about it, then said yes.

So the Twins were sorted. They had nothing more to worry about, and instead sat back and watched Harry and Ron fail to get girls.

Harry was being stupid, of course. The twins both knew there was a certain ginger haired young lady who'd have done anything to go with Harry. Including ditching Neville, however impolite it would be, but Harry was too wrapped up in getting Cho Chang he didn't notice.

And he was being even stupider because he hadn't clicked that almost every girl in the school would go with him just to say they'd been to the Yule Ball with _Harry Potter. _The Boy Who Lived etc.

But, of course, he would go and chase after the one girl who wouldn't ditch her partner to go with him.

Ron was even funnier. He asked Fleur Delacor, the girl who was part veela for God's sake. Again, he was completely onlivious to the one girl who _did _have him as first choice. And, naturally, because he was a prat, when he did realise that his bushy haired best friend would have gone with him, he went and said

"Well, you're a girl, aren't you?"

AND he was too late – Krum got to her first.

So, through watching the two younger boys, they formed three conclusions: Ron was stupid, Harry was stupidly modest, and Ron was stupid.

In the end, Harry, being the cleverer of the two, went and asked Parvati Patil and, by extension, her twin sister Padma, therefore getting them both dates using his power as "The Boy Who Lived" AND making sure he got the prettier one.

The twins were proud of him.

So, the Yule Ball drew ever closer, and dress robes were coming through from parents, girls were getting ever more excited and boys were getting ever more nervous.

Of course, Fred and George found it all very funny, because they were Fred and George, but everyone else seemed to be taking it very seriously.

How odd.

Ron and Harry were mystified as to who Hermione was going to the ball with. The twins shook their heads sadly as they saw them arguing over it. It was entirely obvious that she was going with Krum, but obviously Ron was stupid and Harry had either been spending too much time with Ron or didn't really care.

Probably a bit of both.

The night of the ball rolled round, and the castle was alive with excitement. All the portraits were empty as they rushed to watch the spectacle.

Fred waited for Angelina at the bottom of the main stairs. Despite his casual exterior, he was actually quite nervous, as he did have a bit of a crush on Angelina. But only a bit.

That was before she descended down the stairs.

She was wearing a white dress with no straps that had a red belt fastened around her tiny waist. Delicate red flowers seemed to line the top of her dress, trailing down the side of it and falling below the belt. She had a rose in her hair, which was loose and that beautiful point between wavy and curly.

Now, he had a major crush on Angelina. She lived up to her name; she truly did look like an angel.

"Angelina-"

"Hi Fred!" she beamed, walking slightly faster across the entrance hall to meet him. It was then he noticed that she had high white heels on, matching her dress.

"Angelina, you look beautiful" he said, kissing her cheek.

She went pink, which made her look even cuter

"Well, you don't look so bad out of your Quidditch robes yourself, Fred." She kissed him on the cheek back, missing his big grin

"Where's George? Assuming that you are Fred?" she said lightly

"Oh, he's meeting his date. And yes, I am Fred." He couldn't help but grin at the thought of George's date

"What? Why are you grinning?" Angelina asked. Her eyes were wide open, and Fred couldn't help but noticed how her dark hair and long eyelashes framed her brown eyes.

"Because I can't believe I got a date as pretty as you" he smiled. This wasn't a lie; he couldn't stop smiling because of it. Of course, he had been thinking about George's date, but he didn't want to ruin the surprise.

Angelina blushed again.

"Oh, come on Fred, before you start getting all sentimental. Wouldn't want the Weasley twins going soft, would we?"

"Oh God no. Hogwarts would be lost without us" Fred replied, as they walked into the Great Hall.

They were immediately hit by the crowd. It seemed everyone in fourth, fifth, sixth AND seventh year were there, as well as quite a few younger, all the teachers of all the schools and every student from the foreign schools.

There was some light classical music playing in the background, and Fred slid his arm round Angelina's waist, guiding her towards the bar.

"Now, Angelina, what would you like?" He asked, not taking his arm from her waist

"Erm…Butterbeer?"

"No. Mate, could you get us two firewhiskeys. We're sixth years" he said to the barman, who nodded and went to get the drinks.

"Firewhiskeys?! I've never even had a firewhiskey before!"

"Not scared to try something new, Angelina?" Fred grinned at her

"No."

"Then it's settled. Try something new every single day, Angelina."

"You're insufferable"

"That's why you love me" he winked at her, then turned to get the drinks, missing her blush for the third time this evening

They drank the firewhiskeys – Angelina gasping at the potency of it – then went to wait for the start of the dancing.

The four champions and their partners came in, and began to dance to another piece of classical music.

Then the teachers starting coming in, and Fred and Angelina were next.

The walked on the floor, and took ballroom hold.

"You know how to waltz, right?"

"Erm…no. But I know how to tango" Fred winked at her again, and they were off.

They tangoed up and down the hall, laughing as they went. People jumped out of their way, making Angelina giggle. They finished their dance eventually, and rested at the side of the dance floor.

The Weird Sister came on, and started playing a slow number.

Angelina dragged Fred onto the dance floor, who was complaining because even he couldn't find a way to tango to this.

But secretly he was pleased.

They talked while they danced, about everything. About the Triwizard Tournament, about Quidditch. Everything.

The dance finished, and moved onto a faster number, but Fred and Angelina stayed the way they were, with Angelina's arms around Fred's neck and his around her waist.

"I really like you, Angelina" he whispered, part of him wondering whether she could actually hear him.

They leaned in, and their lips were just about to meet…

"GEORGE WEASLEY!!!" They broke apart simultaneously, and looked at Professor McGonagall, the source of the shout.

Then they looked to where her livid stare was looking, and burst out laughing. The entire hall looked, and burst out laughing.

George stood, in full dress robes, with a perfectly serious expression on his face, and the Giant Squid, in a luminous pink dress on his arm.

Fred saw Angelina wipe away a tear of laughter, then looked up and saw Dumbledore do the same.

"WEASLEYS!! BOTH OF YOU!! MY OFFICE, NOW!!" McGonagall screeched.

Fred kissed Angelina on the cheek, waved to the crowd, and followed George to McGonagall's office, still laughing.

They reached her office, and sat down in their usual seats, and McGonagall sat in hers opposite them.

"Boys. You have done many, many strange things in your six years at Hogwarts. In your first year, you let eight nifflers loose in the dungeons, in second year you painted the entire castle red and gold, in your third year you sent Harry Potter a toilet seat while he was recovering from defeating You-Know-Who in the hospital wing, in your fourth year you paraded in front of Mr Potter proclaiming that he was a dark wizard and was off for a cup of tea with his fanged servant, in your fifth year you followed Professor Snape round for an entire day pretending to be miniature versions of him."

She stopped for breath

"But never" she started again "Have you done something as truly strange as this. What on earth possessed you to invite the _Giant Squid _to the Yule Ball?!"

"Well, miss"

"We thought she might want to come miss"

"And, after all miss"

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Well, I hope you enjoyed that.**

**Again: Happy New Year!**

**Please review guys!!!**

**-Mary Alice**


	10. Chapter 10: Giggle

**Well hi there everyone!!**

**I hope everyone had a good Christmas and new year, and for everyone tthat's back at school (like me, but I don't know how the holidays work in other countries): unlucky!**

**Well, this chapter we're with the Marauders! It seems we've been very Twinnish so far (is twinnish a word? According to Microsoft Word, no…but oh well. It's a word I just created) so it's a nice change to get the Marauders in here!**

**This time:**

**If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 10 minutes, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own Harry Potter guys. Sucks, I know. I think Harry Potter would be even better with some of these crazy flashbacks whacked in. But that's just me.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The Marauders sat on the floor of their dormitory, having had a successful day of pranking. Severus Snape was now stuck to a coat peg in the dungeons, attached by his boxers, so he had a major wedgie. To make this worse, there was some super strength itching powder James had made in potions in his boxers, AND he was attached with a Permanent Sticking Charm to the wall.

Peter was working on a Potions essay that Remus had finished a week ago and would get full marks in, James and Sirius would do last minute and get full marks in, and Peter would work on it solidly for two weeks and get average marks.

That was just the way of things.

Remus was absently reading a book on werewolf rights. It was one he'd read at least a thousand times before, and it seemed to him that the book was more about restrictions than rights.

Sirius was trying to work out how to plait hair. He had quite long hair, and so could have a go, but wasn't very good at it. None of the others questioned why he was attempting it, as they were more than used to Sirius.

James was leaning up against his bed and daydreaming about a certain ginger haired sixth year Gryffindor girl, with a temper as fiery as her hair and eyes like emeralds that shined out at the world, always there to make life a little better for everyone.

He could – and did – spend hours and hours thinking about Lily Evans, but she, as of yet, had showed no feelings towards him other than dislike and annoyance.

So, the Marauders were content. For now

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

James walked into the common room with Remus, and the two of them nearly collapsed.

Sirius Orion Black…was _reading a book._

After, they recovered, they rushed over to Sirius. James put his hand on his best friend's forehead, and Remus asked

"Sirius, are you feeling okay?"

Sirius looked up at the two with tears in his eyes.

James was shocked for a moment – Sirius never cried. He crouched down next to him, and asked quietly

"Sirius, mate, what's wrong?" He looked him straight in the eye, searching for a clue. He found nothing.

Sirius just pointed at the book, and started laughing.

The two boys got it at once. It was something in the book that was so funny it had made Sirius cry with laughter.

They both grabbed it and read the page. They dropped the book at the same moment and burst out laughing.

Soon, all three boys were lying on the floor, rolling around and writhing like they were in unimaginable pain, but the giggle gave them away. They clutched their ribs as tears streamed down their faces at the thought of the spell that had been described in the book.

The only word that any of them managed to get out was

"S-s-sn-snivellus!" and then they kept laughing.

The boys had made so much noise that the entire house had come out of their dormitories and were watching, utterly bemused at the state of the three boys, with no one knowing quite what to do. In the end, one of the prefects fetched Professor McGonagall.

She strode in and looked at the three boys on the floor.

She seemed to be assessing whether they would be capable of speech or movement. She shook her head, and levitated them out of the room, the three still laughing.

She proceeded to take them all the way down to the dungeons, which reminded the three of Snivellus and made them laugh even more, and then walked into Professor Slughorn's office.

The three vaguely heard mumbling sounds through their laughter – they still hadn't stopped – and then McGonagall returned with three vials of potion. She then proceeded to take the three upstairs, into her office, then rammed the potion down their throats.

They spluttered and coughed and stopped laughing. They thought of the spell again, but only a smile lifted their lips.

They couldn't laugh! _The Marauders couldn't laugh!_

"MINNIE!!" screeched Sirius "WHY CAN'T I LAUGH??? WHAT HAVE YOU _DONE _TO ME MINNIE??"

He screamed and jumped about like ants had been put down his pants. James grabbed onto him in the end, and tried to calm him down

"Come on Sirius, head in the game. Need to calm down mate, this is Minnie, she'll sort everything out. She always does, doesn't she?"

"But James, we need to ask her if we-"

"I'm on it Padfoot"

"Nice one Prongs" they winked at each other and turned round.

James winked at Remus, and they all crept up to McGonagall's desk

"_Minnie" _they all said together

"No" she replied without even looking up from the marking she had sat down to do while Sirius had his hissy fit.

"You don't even know what we were going to ask you!" exclaimed Sirius

She looked up over her spectacles

"No, boys" she said, perfectly calmly "But I do know that when you three use that tone with me, you want something. And the answer is no"

"But miss-"

"Please miss-"

"MINNIE!" Sirius squealed and pouted. Remus and James stared at him

"Sorry" he muttered, looking at his shoes. Remus and James looked at each other, and shrugged. This was Sirius.

"Boys, I must ask, what is it that made you laugh for all that time?" she looked at the three, a sparkle of curiosity in her eyes

"The _Optimus Iocus Umquam _spell, Minnie" Remus sighed.

McGonagall raised her eyebrows and saw the twitch of a smile

"Well, that's one I haven't heard of." She said absent mindedly

Sirius saw his chance, and he took it

"Well, miss, it's simply the most wonderful spell, and we just wanted to check with you, as it's one we haven't heard of before in our wonderful knowledge of magic, and so we wanted to know whether we could possibly try it?"

"No, no, no. Absolutely not." She said, quite sure of herself

All three boys looked aghast

"But Minnie!" they said together

"Boys, this is your sixth year at Hogwarts. Six long years I have known you, and seen and punished a great many of your pranks, though I dare say there are quite a number that I couldn't detect your involvement in. And you really think, after watching you _giggle, _for lack of a better word, for at least ten minutes about a spell you found, that I would permit you to use it?"

"Well…"

"Erm…"

"MINNIE!!" Sirius screeched again.

McGonagall looked at him

"Yes, Mr Black" Sirius thought for a moment, then said

"There's no _rule _against it!"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Well, did you like it?**

**That was quite hard to do…but I hope it went okay **

**Please review, tell me anything! Tell me who your fave character is, you favourite line, your favourite chapter, anything! Tell me about you if you want to! Tell me any tiny little thing that pops into your head, but please PLEASE review and tell me!!!**

**-Mary Alice**


	11. Chapter 11: BAM!

**Well, hello again my dear friends!**

**Firstly, thanks for all the reviews, story alerts, favourite stories etc I've had so far. In the words of azluu: My ego especially likes it ;)**

**Secondly, this chapter is dedicated to Lupa Dracolis. Lupa, I have two words for you: you're awesome.**

**Now we've got the sentimental stuff out of the way, let's whack the comedy in!**

**Sorry, I'm a wee bit obsessed with the word whack.**

**Anyway, this chapter we are once again hanging out with the Twins! Hooray!**

**This time:**

**It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I apparate.**

**However, since that was quite difficult, I've changed it to:**

**It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time someone apparates.**

**Please forgive me! It's not so different, and just makes it a lot easier to write!**

**Disclaimer: I own just a blueberry muffin and an overactive imagination. JK has NOTHING to worry about, trust me.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Minerva McGonagall stepped out into the blistering heat. She took off her hat, and fanned herself with it, before hurrying over to the house.

The door appeared, and she knocked three times before a small, plump ginger haired woman arrived at the door.

"What form does your patronus take?" the woman demanded in a low voice

"A tabby cat" McGonagall replied, and the woman stepped back to let her into the house.

"SCUM! BLOOD TRAITORS! A DISGRACE TO THE NAME OF WIZARDRY!-"

"Shut UP mother!" A tall man with dark hair yelled, sprinting over to the portrait of the screeching woman and pulling the curtains over her with so much force, Minerva was afraid he would rip them off.

He turned, and looked at the woman who had reprimanded him thousands of times, put him in detention hundreds of times and had taught him everything he knew about transfiguration.

"Alright, Minnie?" He said cheekily.

Minnie was the name that this man and his three best friends – one of whom had died almost fourteen years ago, one of whom had been a colleague of hers but was no in hiding, and the third of whom was a traitor – had called her for years.

She looked at the man properly, remembering the first time he'd ever called her Minnie. She'd caught him and the other boys coming out of the Slytherin Common Room and one o'clock in the morning in their second year. Under more investigation, she found that they had painted the entire room red and gold, and put a huge banner up saying "We Love Gryffindor".

Instead of being angry, she'd been secretly delighted, though she put on a determined pretence of only being mildly amused. She'd docked five points for each of them, but then given those points back for "house spirit" and given them an extra twenty for their excellent transfiguration skills. The banner, after all, had been a Slytherin flag before it met a twelve year old boy with messy black hair and hazel eyes. A boy who looked shockingly like another boy in her care now, but the latter had emerald green eyes. His mother's eyes.

When she had given them all their points, Sirius had flung his arms round her and exclaimed "THANK YOU MINNIE!!!" Minerva had no idea what to do, other than pat him on the back and push him off her.

She looked at this man now; he was a shadow of his former self. Thirteen years in Azkaban had taken its toll, and his former good looks had faded away. The eyes were no longer wide and carefree; they were narrowed and tired. He was no longer the strong, healthy beater he'd been at Hogwarts; he was emaciated, and no amount of food could help with that.

He'd been to hell and back, but Merlin knows how he'd survived.

Instead of saying all this, she scowled at him as she had done countless times since that time in the redecorated Slytherin Common Room, and said

"Don't call me that"

He laughed, but it wasn't like the laugh he'd once had. He strolled downstairs and went to find Kreacher, leaving his ex-head of house behind him, staring at his back sadly.

She shook herself. She had important business to attend to.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Later**

"Thank you for the lunch, Molly" Minerva called to the ginger witch that had welcomed her into the house.

"No problem at all, Minerva. Do pop in if you need anything; we're always here."

"Thank you, Molly" she said graciously.

She exited the house and stepped into the hot summer air. That summer had been particularly hot this year, and Minerva didn't like it. She stepped away from the house, into the shelter of the trees, and concentrated on Hogsmede.

"BAM!" was the last thing she heard before she apparated.

What on earth?

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**The Christmas Holidays**

The Weasley family were sitting in the living room of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, when they heard a CRACK!

The twins at once jumped up and yelled "BAM!" in perfect synchronisation, and then sat back down again.

The rest of the family looked at them for a moment, but then went back to dwelling Arthur Weasley's fate.

There were three knocks on the door, and Hermione got up to answer it. She pulled the door open a little, and asked her transfiguration professor what her favourite flavour of jam was. Satisfied when she answered with blackberry, she opened the door and welcomed Minerva inside.

"How are the Weasleys doing?" Minerva asked the brightest student she had seen since Lily Evans and James Potter in a low voice.

"Okay, I suppose. Sirius is doing his best to cheer them up, he keeps singing Christmas songs and giving them butter beer, but they don't drink it. Harry hasn't come out of his room since we got back from hospital" Hermione's brow creased with worry at the same time that Minerva's did, but the latter knew that she had not right trying to talk Harry around; this was a job best left for his friends.

"Where's Sirius?" Minerva asked instead

"The kitchen. I think he's trying to cook, but he could be burning clothes too. I'm not sure really" Hermione answered in earnest

"Oh. Very well then"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Later**

Minerva left Number 12 Grimmauld Place with a crease on her brow once again; Hermione had been under exaggerating Harry's depression, and she'd suspected as much, knowing that Hermione knew Harry wouldn't want it publicised.

However, Sirius would trust Minerva with his life, and had unknowingly several times when he had nearly been expelled and sent back to live with his parents. Not a literal death, but the end of his true _life. _Sirius told her exactly what had happened, and as she stepped beneath the shadow of the trees, she was worried.

She cast the worry from her mind for a moment, and focused on Hogsmede.

"BAM!" was the last thing she heard before she apparated.

That was the third time now, as she could have sworn she'd heard it when she's arrived at the Order of the Phoenix HQ as well.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Back at Hogwarts**

The Weasleys, accompanied by Harry and Hermione, stepped into the Gryffindor Common Room. Everyone had heard about Arthur's accident, and, the Weasleys being a popular family in Gryffindor circles, Ginny, Ron and the twins were immediately ambushed with questions about their father's well being.

They all had different reactions to this; Ron soaked up the attention and over dramatised it, this being a rare moment when more attention was paid to him than Harry. Ginny quietly assured people that Arthur was fine, and she didn't want to talk about it. The twins shrugged and said the old man was okay, it was Ron they were more worried about. The doctors still hadn't managed to cure this disease that made him look like a lop-sided Orang-utan.

The twins, having shoved off the people questioning them, shouted to Hermione, who was stood, checking the notices on the Common Room board

"Oi! Hermie!"

She scowled at them and said

"Don't call me that"

They shot a look at each other, both thinking _Minnie in the making_

Then George said

"When are the apparating tests?"

"April 23rd. Why should you care, you can already apparate, can't you?"

"'Course we can, Hermie. We just wanted to be able to wish the sixth years luck that day" Fred replied, turning away from her suspicious eyes.

The twins grinned at each other. April 23rd was a day going into their diary.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**April 23****rd**

The anxious sixth years were stood in the hall, which had had the enchantments lifted from it that stopped people from apparating in or out of it.

No one noticed the two identical red headed boys crouched behind a curtain.

The exams began, and the students went up, one by one, to the apparition spot. They would be apparating to the road just outside Honeydukes in Hogsmede.

The first one went up; a rather sick-looking Hufflepuff called Melanie.

"Ready?" the examiner said to Melanie, and Fred said to George.

George and Melanie nodded.

CRACK!

"BAM!" The boys yelled just milliseconds after she'd apparated.

The sixth years looked around, nervous. Half of them were convinced they were hallucinating from nerves.

The next one went up, a conceited Slytherin that the Twins hadn't bothered to learn the name of.

"Ready?" The examiner said to him. He sneered arrogantly, and nodded.

CRACK!

"BAM!"

The sixth years looked around again, getting slightly more nervous, then looked back at the examiners. Several girls screamed as they saw the boy had splinched himself, leaving a leg behind him.

The twins couldn't stop laughing, and eventually they had to hold their hands over each other's mouths.

The next girl went up, a nerdy looking Ravenclaw called Emily.

"Ready?"

She nodded, and closed her eyes.

CRACK!

"BAM!"

The sixth years were getting really freaked out now. None of them could see the source of the noise, and only one was scared he was hallucinating anymore, and that was more because he could see Dumbledore dancing with the house elves on Umbridge's face.

A Gryffindor boy went up.

CRACK!

"BAM!"

CRACK!

"BAM!"

CRACK!

"BAM!"

CRACK!

"BAM!"

CRACK!

"BAM!"

"MR WEASLEY AND MR WEASLEY GET OUT FROM BEHIND THAT CURTAIN RIGHT NOW!"

"BAM!" the both yelled, and then there was a deafening CRACK! as they apparated out of the Great Hall.

Minerva cursed in her head. She'd forgotten that they could apparate out of the Great Hall.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**4 Hours Later**

The twins had been in the Three Broomstick's for four hours, laughing merrily at what they thought the expression would have been on Minnie's face when they'd apparated out of the hall.

After the first three hours, they'd realised they were going to have to get back to the castle somehow.

"Have you got the map?" Fred asked George

"I thought you had it!" George replied

"Bugger!" They said together, and contemplated how they could get in without Minnie catching them.

"One of the passageways?"

"Maybe. But we don't know if anyone's patrolling there. And we don't want everyone knowing about them, do we?"

"Good point, twin"

"Thanks, twin"

They mulled over it for a while, then decided that the best option would be apparating as loudly and exuberantly as possible into the Great Hall, as there would be no way of getting in quietly without knowing for sure that they wouldn't be caught.

If you're going to get caught, you may as well be caught doing something funny, was their reasoning.

They got up and stepped out onto the street, and they focused on the Great Hall, hoping that it would be still open to apparate into.

CRACK!

They were transported into the Great Hall, where everyone was having dinner. They apparated straight onto the Slytherin table, knocking over lots of food and drink and spraying things everywhere.

The entire hall went silent, and stared at them. They didn't even need to look at each other to know what to do.

"BAM!" They yelled, the loudest they'd yelled it yet.

And then, just as the laughing started, they ran.

"ACCIO FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY!" They heard the familiar voice of Minnie yell, and they were pulled towards her. She dragged them by the ears up to her office, leaving the Great Hall in fits of laughter.

"Sit" she said, and they sat.

"Boys. I'm not going to ask how you came up with it, as I truly don't want to know how your minds work, but why on _earth _did you choose to shout BAM every time you were in the vicinity when someone apparated?" She sighed

"Well, Minnie"

"Don't call me that" she scowled, just as she had done the summer before to Sirius Black

"Don't try and fool us. Sirius told us how much you love it" the twins winked, and Minerva made a mental note to make Sirius write 500 lines in his own house.

"The thing is, Minnie" George started, and Fred finished with:

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**So? Did you like it?**

**PLEASE REVIEW, PEOPLE!!!**

**3**

**- MaryAlice**


	12. Chapter 12: Wood

**Hello again everyone! Thanks for all the lovely reviews, they make me VERY happy!**

**One thing: after I posted the last chapter I got a few nasty reviews from one – anonymous – reviewer. Not constructive, just mean. Look, I appreciate reviews, what author doesn't? But if the reviews consist of mindless, misspelled insults, I really don't see the point in wasting your time reading a story you clearly don't like and reviewing with said mindless, misspelled insults.**

**Okay, rant over, people **** I am sorry about doing that, but I felt that I was necessary to say something about it. Sorry again to all my lovely, lovely reviewers who are so kind to me…I love you all!**

**So, this chapter we are with the Twins! Hooray!**

**This time:**

"**I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.**

**BTW I got this idea off another author, but it'd be really cool if you could tell me your favourite line from this chapter!**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was abuzz. The Boy Who Lived – Harry James Potter – had just joined the school, and had been sorted into Gryffindor, just like his Mum and Dad had been.

Fred and George Weasley – third years – had been especially exited, as they were curious as to what You-know-who looked like, and it was something to rub in the Slytherins' faces. They were even more exited when they found out that Harry was a natural born seeker, and would be joining the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.

They had to keep Harry a secret, something the twins thought was hilarious and, as a result, covered him with their cloaks whenever they saw him and, when mentioning him in conversation, whispered his name.

Wood was irritated by this behaviour, but he'd already put up with the twins on the team for a year and knew what to expect of them.

It all started when Wood organised a Quidditch practice for the Gryffindor team one night in October, not caring about the awful weather. Harry looked out of his window in the first year boy's dormitory, and shuddered. Rain was pouring down, wind blowing in just about every direction, and generally the worst possible flying conditions.

Wood said it was "character building".

The team gradually arrived at the pitch, their Quidditch robes sopping wet and shivering from the cold. Harry's usually messy had turned into a complete bird's nest, and Fred and George kept poking it to see if they could find eggs.

"Right, team!" Wood bellowed over the howling wind "Mount your brooms!"

"WHAT?!" They all yelled together

"WOOD! Have you gone BARKING mad?!" Fred shouted, and George high fived him.

"Shut up George" Wood snarled

"He's Fred, I'm George you SAP!" George replied, grinning and earning a high five from Fred.

"Twins! I have heard every joke _possible _about my name! Now, team, mount your brooms, let's go!"

George looked at his twin, who grinned the legendary Weasley-Twin wicked smirk.

"That sounds like a challenge" They said together, and, had anyone been able to see through the sheet of rain, they would have seen the matching evil glints in their eyes.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The twins rolled out of their beds and stumbled over to their wardrobes. They pulled on matching robes and trudged down to breakfast. Training the night before had been awful, with the weather as it was, and their muscles were aching desperately.

When they arrived in the Great Hall, Wood was cheerfully munching his toast as if his evening had been spent chasing particularly stupid gnomes.

They glared at him as they walked past and went to sit with Angelina and Alicia. They were all moaning about their aching muscles, the girls swearing that their biceps had officially died, when the twins remembered Wood's challenge.

"Oi, Wood. WOOD you pass us the marmalade?" said Fred

"Wood, you're hair's looking ROOTY today!" said George. Wood glared at them and threw the marmalade at them, then stormed out of the hall.

Fred caught the marmalade, sniggering, and turned back to see the expression on Angelina's face.

"What? He challenged us!" Fred exclaimed. Angelina chuckled and went back to her bacon.

Fred grinned and threw the marmalade at Ron, hitting his head with a satisfying CRACK and spilling marmalade all over him. Ron swore and went off to his dormitory to clean up, and Fred and George laughed silently at their youngest brother's idiocy.

Just then, a shadow was cast over them. They looked up to see a mass of brown, curly hair and one very cross looking Hermione Granger

"You know, it's really very disrespectful to make jokes about his name. He's a fifth year _and _the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain." She scolded them

"Oh, Hermie-"

"Don't call me that" she scowled, and the twins laughed

"Hermie, we're only just getting started" They grinned together and hopped off their seats, taking a perfectly synchronised bite out of the toast they were holding as they left.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The next Quidditch practice had calmer weather, thank goodness, though there was still a reasonably strong breeze. Wood stood, lecturing them all on techniques, but he mainly focused on Harry, seeing as Harry was the one most likely to get knocked out of the air.

"And, Harry, if you see a bludger _dive out of the way. _And yell at Fred and George for not stopping it. But whatever happens, you _cannot _get hit by one, understand?"

"Yep" Harry replied

"Right, chasers now. You need to be constantly aware of each other; if you're not then we have _no _chance of winning this. Alicia, I need you to-"

"Oh, for Godric's sake Wood, stop _beating about the bush_ and move on to the Beaters! We're the most important part!" George said

"Shut up, Fred" Wood replied, scowling at them"

"How many times do we have to tell you? I'm Fred, he's George! If you can't even learn our names, we may ASH well _leaf_!" Fred said, grinning slyly.

"Shut up, Fred" Wood replied again, and turned back to Alicia Spinnet, Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson, who were stifling giggles.

Fred winked at Angelina, and she blushed slightly, then pretended to concentrate on what Wood was saying.

The team set off, and training commenced properly. Wood and the Twins acted as the opposing team to the three chasers, Katie, Alicia and Angelina, while Harry played for both teams and concentrated on not getting hit by a passing bludger and catching the snitch.

"TWINS! THERE'S A BLUDGER GOING STRAIGHT FOR HARRY!" Wood yelled

"SHALL WE GET IT?" Fred shouted to George

"I DUNNO. I'M STILL DECIDIOUS!" George bellowed back

"DECIDIOUS?" Fred called to him, confused

"DECIDING, TWIN!" George shouted as he smacked the bludger away from Harry.

"OH, NICE ONE TWIN!" Fred yelled back.

Wood banged his head against a goalpost.

"He wouldn't normally do that, woody?" Fred remarked to Angelina as she flew up to chat to him

"Woody?"

"Would he, but pushed together to annoy Wood"

"Oh, I get it"

"ANGELINA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE OPPOSITE TEAM TO FRED! STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR ENEMY!" Wood bellowed

"Just leaf them alone, Wood" George called as he flew past lazily, bouncing a bludger up and down on his bat.

"SHUT UP!" Wood shouted so angrily that he fell off his broom.

"TIMBER!" The twins yelled as he fell. Katie got her wand out and pointed it at Wood before he hit the ground

"Wingardium Leviosa" she muttered, but too late, and he hit the ground with a sickening _crack!_

The three girls screamed and jumped off their brooms to help him up.

Angelina put her arm around him and he leant into her as she began to pull him up to the castle.

"Wood, you're gonna have to tell me your secret to getting Angelina's arm around you. I'll be _evergreen _with envy if you don't!" Fred yelled after them, and he and George sniggered as Wood swore at them.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The twins decided that, seeing as it was (in some people's opinion's *cough Hermione Granger cough*) their fault that Wood fell off his broom, they should go and see him in the hospital wing. To say sorry and make amends and all that.

He came into the hospital wing humming.

"What are you humming?" Angelina asked. She was sitting by the side of Wood's bed, and he was ranting to her about Quidditch techniques or something.

"Just a little muggle song" George replied

"Oh, I love muggle songs!" Angelina squealed "Sing it, sing it!"

"Anything for you, Angel" Fred winked at her, then burst into song

"Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree" He gestured to his twin, who took the next line:

"How lovely are your branches"

"Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree"

"How lovely are your branches"

"In summer sun or winter snow"

"A coat of green you always show"

"Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree"

"How lovely are you branches!" They finished together in an operatic style, and Angelina burst out laughing whilst Wood looked murderous.

"SHUT UP WEASLEYS!" he yelled

"No shouting" Madam Pomfrey called across to him, glaring angrily.

"Sorry, Madam Pomfrey" Wood said meekly, and she turned back to the boy who had run into a niffler with a watch on his wrist.

"This isn't funny" Wood hissed to the twins, who looked at each other solemnly

"He's right, twin" Fred said sadly

"Completely. This is KNOT funny" George replied with an equally sad tone

"Seriously, stop it!" Wood groaned

"OAK-kay!" Fred said

"That's just _beechy!" _George grinned.

"Just _pine_" Fred added

"Oh, wait, Wood, we have a joke for you. Like a normal joke. To cheer you up" George said, a glint in his eye.

"I don't care"

"Of course you do. Look, me and George will tell it, right George?"

"Right, Fred"

"George, do you know which a lumberjack's favourite month is?"

"I don't know, Fred, which month is a lumberjack's favourite?"

"Septimber!"

"Very amusing boys" A voice from behind them said. They looked at each other and turned around slowly.

McGonagall was stood behind them, a stern expression on their face

"Ha" Wood muttered. McGonagall glared at him and said

"Be quiet, Wood. You should be disheartened at your housemates' punishment not pleased. I _wooden_ have expected this from you" McGonagall said with a glint in her eye that wasn't too far off the twins'.

All four students gaped at each other, Wood stuttering, and Fred and George reached out their hands

"Professor-" Fred started

"High five!" George finished.

She looked at their outstretched palms distastefully and said

"I think not, boys. Now, down to my office"

They nodded and trudged down three flights of stairs to her office.

"Boys. Though I myself did reprimand Mr Wood with a parody usage of his name, I must say that your behaviour was utterly preposterous, offensive and unnecessary-"

"Not unnecessary, Professor"

"He challenged us, Professor"

"How?"

"He said 'I've heard every joke possible about my name'"

"And we took that as a challenge"

"What on _earth _possessed you to display such idiotic behaviour, boys?"

"Well Professor;

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Okay, so the ending was weak, I know. But I couldn't think of anything!**

**So, people…favourite line from the chapter?**

**Oh, btw, thanks so much to Maniacinthemaking for helping me out with the "Wood" jokes. You have my everlasting gratitude (but you already knew that) and I may give you a Mars Bar.**

**BTW American people, can I just ask something? Someone told me that Mars Bars aren't sold anymore in the USA. PLEASE tell me that isn't true, because Mars Bars are AMAZING!!**

**-MaryAlice**


	13. Chapter 13: Firewhiskey

**Hello everyone! It's been a while since I updated, and so here's the next chapter!**

**Again, people, thanks for the wonderful reviews **** you guys make my week. Also, I officially love the whole favourite line thing, so let's keep it up team!!!**

**Moving onto more serious business, this chapter we're with the charming marauders again!**

**This time:**

**Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labelled, "Firewhiskey".**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but an overactive imagination. The fairies told me so.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"I have no money"

Sirius rolled off his bed, groaning loudly as he proclaimed this to his fellow marauders. They raised their eyebrows at each other, but didn't say anything.

"Literally none. I own nothing."

"Yes you do, Padfoot" Peter squeaked, looking up from his muggle comic

"Sure. You own an entirely overactive imagination"

"Shut up, Prongs. I told you not to mention what the fairies told me"

"Whatever"

"Seriously –"

"We know your name, Sirius" Remus murmured, turning the page in his book and smiling to himself. The others groaned at the bad joke.

"I have no money" Sirius rolled again, this time across the floor.

"Padfoot, you belong to one of the oldest and richest wizarding families in existence. You always have money" James said, messing up his hair as he did.

"Shut up, square eyes. I've been disowned, remember?"

"Fair point" James said, taking his glasses off sensitively.

Remus just picked up a book, levitated it across the room, and with a flick of his wand whacked Sirius round the head.

"Bloody hell, Moony!" Sirius cried, clutching his skull "Time of the month?"

"No" Remus said calmly "That was last week, remember?"

"Shut up, Moony" Sirius said. He picked up the book and read the cover

"_Money making for dummies…_Oi! Moony! I'm not a dummy!"

"Yes you are, Sirius" Remus called as he left the dormitory in search of a quiet place to finish his book.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The whole of Hogwarts was in disarray. People were devastated by the terrible sight that greeted them on corridors, in the dinner hall, in lessons, and in the common room. One girl fainted, a few screamed. Some cried. Boys stood, aghast, their lives turned upside down at the sight.

Sirius was reading a book.

This was unheard of. Sirius Black _never _read. Many of the teachers at Hogwarts were convinced he wasn't physically capable, but just got James to read for him and they somehow passed messages through their minds to one another.

To see him reading was a huge shock for everyone. But read is exactly what he did. He read and read and read and read. For weeks on end, he meticulously studied his book, taking great care on every single page.

Finally, he finished reading the book on a Wednesday evening, two months after the day he started reading it.

He slammed the book shut triumphantly and threw it back to Remus

"Merlin, Padfoot, you've actually _finished _it?" James gasped

"Yep. Damn hard work it was, too" Sirius stated proudly

"Erm, Padfoot? It was less than 150 pages" Remus said hesitantly

"Exactly. Almost _150 pages! _That's like a novel or something" Sirius nodded his head up and down as he spoke.

"Whatever, Paddy. Any ideas for money making then?" James said, picking up the book and flipping through it.

"Oh, I have an idea" Sirius said, grinning "And it is going to be _great"_

James and Remus looked at each other nervously. This wasn't a good sign.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"What in the name of Merlin's uncut toenails is Sirius doing?" Alice asked as she sat down with her boyfriend Frank at the table for breakfast. The other three marauders looked up, shrugged, and went back to their food.

Sirius had been skipping lessons for the past week, and regularly disappeared off the Marauders' Map entirely. This worried the other three, but at the same time, this was Sirius, and it wasn't _that _strange for him.

They knew that he'd been into the Room of Requirement quite a lot, but Godric knows why. They guessed that he'd also probably been down to Hogsmede as well, but that was more likely to be for sweets and butterbeer.

So, for the first time in a while, the Marauders were stumped. They had no idea what on earth Sirius was doing, but to be honest, they didn't care that much either. They knew he'd sort himself out in a bit and come back. He always did.

It turned out to take less time than they had expected.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Roll up, roll up! Get your Gryffindor Courage here! Gryffindor Courage, only 8 sickles a bottle! Astound your friends and shock your teachers with your amazing bravery, only with Gryffindor Courage!" A voice yelled through the crowds in the dinner hall.

The Marauders looked at each other, and knew immediately.

"Sirius" they said together, and sped into the Great Hall.

Sirius was stood in what seemed to be a little market stall which had a huge sign above it saying "Gryffindor Courage!" And several bottles of browny orangey liquid, that the Marauders identified at once.

"Roll up, people, roll up! You sir, you'll be wanting some Gryffindor Courage? Want to ask out a pretty lady? Just 8 sickles, and she'll be yours. Sorry Miss, we don't sell to Slytherins. The Gryffindor and Slytherin can't mix, we're poisonous to each other."

Remus, James and Peter pushed to the front of the crowd and burst out laughing at Sirius' appearance. He was wearing a straw hat, a striped shirt and black jeans, so he looked like a Parisian market stall owner mixed with a farmer.

"Padfoot, what in the name of Dumbledore's knees are you doing?" James choked through laughs

"I got it from that money making book. Sell something people want; courage. Everyone here wants to be a Gryffindor, anyway. So I figured I should sell them a little bit of what they wanted"

"One problem, Paddy" Remus said, raising an eyebrow

"What's that, Moony?"

"You can't bottle Gryffindor Courage"

"Look at the labels of the bottles"

James and Remus looked at the labels while Peter stared into space. The labels read

_Gryffindor Courage…aka Firewhiskey_

The firewhiskey bit was in small print.

"Padfoot, you're selling people _Firewhiskey _and calling it Gryffindor Courage?" James howled with laughter.

"What an odd thing to do Mr Black. Perhaps you could explain it to me in my office" a voice from behind hem said. They all turned fearfully (except Peter, who was still staring into space) to see…

"Minnie! How lovely to see you! Care for some Gryffindor Courage?"

"I'm quite alright, thank you, Mr Black. My office-"

"But-"

"_Now"_

"Yes, Minnie. James look after the stall for me"

James stepped forward to look after the stall and McGonagall shrunk it to the size of an ant. There were some load groans and grumbles (particularly from Sirius) and everyone went back to their normal places.

Sirius looked up at Minnie.

He gulped.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Sirius, why are you proud to be a Gryffindor?"

"_Why?"_

"Yes, why?"

"Because we're brave, and loyal, and good hearted, and kind, and _not Slytherins" _Sirius answered very quickly

"So _why _ did you exploit one of our main characteristics, one that we are most proud of, to sell to people in the form of _alcohol?"_

"Well, miss…"

She raised an eyebrow

"There's no rule against it" Sirius grinned as he finished his sentence.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**So? Did we like it?**

**Again, sorry it took so long! I just couldn't think of a way to write this, I hope it was ok!**

**REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**-MaryAlice**


	14. Chapter 14: Smurfs

**Hey everyone! Again, thanks for the reviews!**

**Oh, and, keeping with my replying to all reviews thing, here are the replies to anonymous reviewers:**

**Stina: First, thank you for your dedication to my story; you've been supporting it almost all the way through **** awesome! Thanks for all the reviews, sorry I haven't replied before, and I'm glad you like it. Btw you said you weren't English or American…where is it you're from, out of interest? Xx**

**Oceanlover14: Thanks for the…enthusiastic…review :P glad you liked it xx**

**May: Thanks for all the reviews, and the helpful comments about Mars Bars. I can't believe you guys don't have them…you're missing out, dudes. I'm going to send like a million over to America for you xx**

**Loads of Randomness: Love the name! And I'm glad your liking the fic **** thanks for the review xx**

**???: Thanks for the reviews! Glad you like the story so far, and do keep reading****) xx**

**Sammi: Thanks for the review; I'm glad you like it. I decided when I started it that I was only going to write about F/G and the Marauders because you don't really know the new generation that well, and so I prefer to write with characters I know already. However, I think I might pull them in towards the end. Xx**

**You Know Who: Does your name mean you're Voldemort? Seriously? Erm…oops…I guess you didn't like the chapter where I told you to get a life…sorry…can I have your autograph? Anyway, thanks for reviewing, Voldy, I'm glad it tickled you **** xoxo (Voldy gets hugs. He's special.)**

**Norwiegengirlcomingsoon: Hey, glad you loved it! Thanks for reviewing, and yes, updates are on the way, I promise xx**

**Olivia: Thanks, glad you thought it was funny **** xx**

**Lol: I'm glad you enjoyed the jokes. I did, too xx**

**Yume Ninja: OMG ARE YOU A NINJA????? Sorry…little over excited there…anyway, glad you like it **** xx**

**Kayla: Thanks for reviewing, glad you seem to rather like the fic ;) xx**

**OKAY that was all the anonymous reviewers for the entire story, so sorry it took so long team!**

**On with the chapter: This one is dedicated to ValFish firstly because I like her name, secondly because she does very ego boosting reviews (as many do…I love you all) and thirdly because she was the first to review the last chapter.**

**We're with the Marauders this chapter!!! **

**This time:**

**I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them smurfs**

**Disclaimer: We've been through this. Overactive imagination. Fairies. Ring any bells? No? Oh, lordy.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"_Why don't you like me Evans?" James shouted across the Great Hall, attracting stares from the other students to the him and the other, red haired, fifth year._

"_You're an arrogant twat!" Lily screamed back, her eyes flashing angrily_

"_Fine, maybe I am. But I'm an arrogant twat that knows every single damn thing about you!"_

"_You know _nothing _about me, Potter, or you wouldn't bombard me with your constant requests for me to go out with you!"  
_

"_Oh, Evans, you love them really"_

"_I do NOT love them! I love fizzy cherry juice. I love listening to the rain pitter patter on the window. I love the way that flowers open and I love hearing birds sing. For Christ's sake, I love the freaking SMURFS, truth be told, but I do NOT love YOU!"_

"_That hurts, Evans. And what in the name of Merlin's unshaven ankles are smurfs?"_

"_ASK REMUS!" Lily screamed as she stormed out._

_James couldn't help it; he just had to stare at her butt as she left._

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Lily Evans' least favourite day of the year had arrived.

Valentine's Day.

It made her shudder just to think about it For the past five years, James Potter had sent her some sort of present, song, poem or magical creature that had asked her out, and each year she had rejected him. Profusely.

So, no doubt, sixth year would be much the same.

She didn't even want to get out of bed in case she was bombarded straight away, but Alice dragged her out of bed. Within half an hour they were creeping down to the Great Hall nervously.

Well, Lily was nervous. Alice was excited. And hungry.

They stepped into the great hall and looked around. Both took in an intake of breath in surprise, and then sighed in relief.

No roses, no cupids, no livestock…it seemed that this year, James had given up.

Lily could have sung at that prospect.

They sat down and started eating breakfast.

Lily took her usual breakfast; a fruit salad with pumpkin juice. She reached out to the jug of pumpkin juice in front of her, looked inside to check there was enough of it in the jug, and poured it into her glass.

But, the weird thing was, as soon as it touched her glass it changed colour and started fizzing. Lily started at it curiously, and then poured some into Alice's glass, who grunted her thanks through the bacon she was eating.

It stayed the same colour, and definitely didn't fizz.

What on earth?

Lily didn't know weather to drink this strange substance or not. She decided against it, and instead took the juice she had just poured into Alice's glass. But, as soon as she picked the glass up, the liquid inside changed colour and started fizzing, just like her own drink had.

She had no choice. She had to drink some.

She put Alice's glass back down, the liquid inside immediately turning back to pumpkin juice when Alice touched it, and tentatively picked up her own drink. It didn't change at all when she picked it up, and so she screwed her eyes up and swallowed some.

A familiar and brilliant taste filled her mouth and throat. It was sweet and fizzing and beautiful, and she nearly screeched with delight.

It was fizzy cherry juice.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Lily finished tidying her things away at the end of Herbology. Alice was waiting for her, but Lily told her to go on, because she wanted to ask the teacher a question. Alice had just rolled her eyes and called her friend a nerd before leaving with a smile on her face.

"Professor, I just wondered..." Lily trailed off when she realised that the teacher had left with everyone else. She was on her own in the greenhouse.

Sighing, she went over to the door, making a mental note to ask the teacher later. She reached for the door handle, and tugged at it.

It wouldn't budge.

She pulled a bit harder, but the door just wouldn't open.

"Alohamora!" she pointed her want at the door, but nothing happened.

This was when she started to panic. How long could she be in here for? It was the last lesson of the day, so no one would be coming in until the next day…but, wait, it was Friday. No one would have Herbology until Monday morning!

She was just starting to hyperventilate when she heard a soft noise above her.

_Pitter Patter_

_Pitter Patter_

_Pitter Patter_

Rain. It was raining. The water ricocheted off the glass and made the noise that she really did love. It was like someone had sent it to calm her down in her inner nightmare.

And, just then, when she began to breathe at a normal rate again, all the flowers in the greenhouse started opening. Beautiful flowers, reds and pinks and blues and yellows and oranges and purpled. Colours that Lily had never known existed appeared in front of her, and she breathed a sigh of contentment.

It was going to be okay. She just knew it was.

The rain began to fade away, and flowers stopped opening. Lily tried the door again, and, to her surprise, this time it worked. She stepped out into the cold February morning and breathed a deep breath.

And that was when the birds started to sing. It was just one at first, a lilting melody that ran smoothly over the treetops. Then a second joined. And a third, and a fourth, and a fifth and a sixth and suddenly it seemed like there were hundreds of birds, all singing to Lily, for Lily.

It was beautiful.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Merlin, Lily, looks like someone's been set out to impress you today" Alice said at dinner as Lily told her everything.

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Lily!" Alice exclaimed "Someone's been changing your day to get everything you love in"

"Right, sure"

"Lily, you love fizzy cherry juice, but they don't have it at Hogwarts. What did you have with breakfast this morning?"

"Well…"

"Exactly. You love flowers opening and the sound of rain on glass. On a random _sunny _day in _February, _rain started pouring only above the greenhouse, and all the flowers opened"

"But-"

"_And _you love birds singing, and there was like a choir of birds waiting for you outside the greenhouse! Someone clearly wants to be your valentine, sweetie!"

"Oh, shut up Alice"

Alice laughed at Lily's frown, knowing that Lily knew she was right. She went back to her dinner and left Lily to think about it.

And Lily _was _thinking about it. It made perfect sense, of course, but there was one thing missing. How in the world would anyone know about all this stuff? It's not like they could have made random guesses – fizzy cherry juice was not a thing most wizards knew about.

As she sat pondering this, four familiar voices drifted over to where she was sitting, and she turned to see the Marauders walking towards the opposite side of the table to where she was sat.

She sighed. She'd thought she'd got away from them for today, but apparently not.

"Alright, Evans?" James asked, messing up his hair as he did. She looked up at him, glowering, and was surprised to see an almost affectionate look on his face.

"Oh, Lily can't talk now" Alice cut in. Everyone, including Lily, looked at her questioningly.

"I can't?" asked Lily, confused

"No, you can't" Alice said, then she turned back to the Marauders, who were now sat down, "She's too busy trying to work out who her secret admirer is"

"Secret admirer, eh Evans?" Sirius repeated, clearly very amused

"Apparently so, Black" Lily replied venomously. Sirius just laughed.

"Well, surely he won't want to stay secret for long, will he, Evans?"

"Not everyone's as attention seeking as you, Black"

"Yes they are. They just do it more secretively"

"That's dragon's dung"

"Whatever, Evans" Sirius said, smirking. Lily rolled her eyes, but internally had the feeling that Black knew something she didn't. It was a feeling that she disliked intensely.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Alice and Lily trudged up the stairs from the Great Hall, starting the epic journey all the way up to the seventh floor.

"Ugh, Lily, I cannot be _arsed _with this!" Alice groaned, proceeding to plonk herself on a step.

"Alice! You can't just sit on a step! People need to walk on that!"

"Yeesh, Lily. There's like fifty other steps, people can walk on those ones" Alice said, leaning against the banister.

"Alice, come on! You have to get up!"

"Why?!" Alice whined

"Because I said so, Alice!"

"But – wait, can you hear that?"

"What?"

Then Lily heard it. A tune from her childhood. Sung by approaching voices. What the hell?

_La la la la la la_

_Sing a happy song_

_La la la la la la_

_Smurf your whole day long_

And from the dungeons emerged twenty…thirty…fifty…seventy…what must have been a hundred smurfs.

Lily gasped in surprise, and Alice fell of her step. She, of course, had no idea what these things were, and an army of unfamiliar, singing, blue dwarfs must have scared the hell out of her.

Not Lily though. Lily stood, transfixed, as they kept singing.

_Smurf along with me! _The biggest one sang

_La la la la la la la _All the others sang

_Simple as can be _The biggest one sang again, and then they all sang at once

_Next time you're feeling blue_

_Just let a smile begin_

_Happy things will come to you_

Then a smurf with a big, blonde wig popped out

_So smurf yourself a grin! _She sang in a high pitched voice

Suddenly Snape appeared in the midst of all this, and joined in the singing, wearing a cape and looking as if this wasn't his choice whatsoever and was trying to find a way to escape and/or stop singing.

_Oooooo I hate smurfs_

Mrs Norris meowed from Filch's office

_I'll get you, I'll get all of you if it's the last thing I ever do! Hehehehe!_

Then the smurfs pushed Snape away, so he was sprawled on the floor, and sang in unison

_La la la la la la la_

_Now you know the tune_

_Soon you'll be smurfing soon!_

Lily and the newly recovered Alice offered the smurfs a round of applause, to which the bowed gratefully.

"Lily Evans!" A voice shouted from the opposite side of the entrance hall that they were still stood in from their efforts to get away from the Great Hall. Lily span on her heel and groaned.

James Potter was stood, holding a Lily in his hand.

"I've just proved to you how much I know about you. I know you love fizzy cherry juice but you can never get any in Hogwarts. I know you love to listen to the rain pitter patter on the window. I know you love the way flowers open, and you love hearing birds sing. I even know you love the _smurfs. _Lily Evans, will you please be my valentine?"

Lily's mind was spinning. How could he possible know all that about her? This was _James Potter. _James Potter didn't know anything about anyone except himself and his stupid Marauder friends. James Potter wouldn't bother taking the time to prepare spells to get Lily fizzy cherry juice, or making rain appear, or flowers open or birds sing. James Potter certainly wouldn't know what smurfs were!

"But…you…smurfs…how did you get smurfs?!" Lily could have asked anything, and she would go and ask that, wouldn't she? She was kicking herself mentally.

"What are you guys talking about? What are smurfs?" Alice asked, confused

"Them!" Lily exclaimed, pointing towards the crowd by the dungeons

"What, the house elves painted blue?" Alice furrowed her brow.

"What?" Lily turned to look at the smurfs, ignoring Snape, who was cursing at them all from where he was buried underneath them.

"James. Potter. You. Are. Dead." Lily growled.

James gulped, and laughed nervously

"Erm…well…Lily, I was just trying to make a point, you know"

"By undermining House Elves and painting them _blue? _That's just cruel"

"I quite agree, Miss Evans" a voice said from the top of the stairs.

James, Lily, Alice, the house elves, and Snape looked up to see Professor McGonagall assessing the scene with an eyebrow raised.

"Well, Mr Potter, I suppose you know where to go by now?" She said to James. He nodded miserably and followed her up the stairs. Lily ignored him as he went past.

After James and McGonagall's footsteps couldn't be heard anymore, Lily slid down the banister to where Alice was. She picked her friend up from where she was still lying on the floor. As they walked back up to Gryffindor Tower, Lily wasn't tuned in at all to Alice's high speed, inane chatter.

She instead was thinking about James Potter.

_Well, it was incredibly cruel and stupid and everything _she thought _but it sure as hell was sweet._

If only James knew.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Sit, Mr Potter" James sat in his customary seat, and readied himself.

"Mr Potter, the house elves are not canvases, or parchment, or anything else that you can decorate as you please. They are _living creatures_. I expected better than you, Mr Potter, I really did" She pierced him with one of her intense glares and he couldn't help but shy away from it.

"I didn't mean it like that, Professor McGonagall" He muttered, squirming under her gaze

"Well, why did you _do _it then, Mr Potter?"

"Well, miss…"

"Yes?"

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Probably not as funny as other chapters…but I hope you liked it **

**Review, people?**

**And favourite lines, too?**

**Thanks team!**

**-MaryAlice**


	15. Chapter 15: Entwife

**Why hello again my lovely readers! Thank you once again for all your wonderful reviews; they do make me so happy **

**Keeping with my previously mentioned ambition to reply to all reviews, here's the section for replies to anonymous reviewers:**

**Stina: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing – again. WOW Scandinavia! I'd so love to go there or something, but I'm a wimp and the cold scares me :P but still WOW!!!**

**Okay, with that done, on with the story! I'm sorry this took so long, but it's been exam MANIA over the past few weeks and I haven't had any time. PLUS I went on holiday without my laptop, and I kind of fell over and ripped up all the ligaments in my elbow, so I was in and out of the hospital for a while…anywho, This chapter we're back with the twins! We haven't seen them for a few chapters **

**This time:**

**The Whomping Willow is not a Entwife**

**This chapter is dedicated to Stina for being my 150****th**** reviewer!**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"FRED! GEORGE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!" A shrill yell was heard from downstairs, and the twins gave each other a high five.

It was the summer before Harry, Ron and Hermione's seventh year; a year that they did, in fact, not stay in school, but instead went around the country looking for Horcruxes, while the twins and Lee Jordan set up the radio programme "Potter Watch" to let some of the Potter supporters find out about the Golden Trio, the year culminating with the most bloody battle Hogwarts had ever seen.

But now, it was summer, and Harry, Ron and Hermione were free. For now.

Hermione stormed upstairs, her hair a shining, bright orange.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR??!!!" She screamed

"Well, Hermione, you're a smart witch…" George started

"We would have thought it was quite obvious" Fred grinned

"ARGH!" She screamed "YOU TWO ARE SO _DEAD!"_

"But we were being kind, Hermy!" George said, shocked

"Yeah, you and Harry are the only non-gingers around here. We thought you'd want to fit in"

"YOU DIDN'T _DO _ANYTHING TO HARRY!"

"Ah, not yet." Fred grinned

"And anyway, he's the Boy Who Lived. If he can survive the killing curse from the big V-Dog, I'm sure he'll manage to repel a simple colour change charm" George rolled his eyes as if the recipient of his conversation was a complete idiot.

"YOU WAIT!" Hermione screamed "YOU WAIT!"

"What you gonna do, Hermy?"

"Give us detention?"

"No, but I _will _tell your mother!"

The twins paled

"You wouldn't" Fred breathed

"Somehow this scene seems like it's happened before…" George pondered

"Please, Hermione! Don't tell mum! We'll do anything!" Fred was on his knees now, hands out to the bushy haired girl in front of him.

Hermione stopped, a glint in her eye.

"_Anything?" _She grinned, a mischievous look on her face.

The twins glanced at each other, looked back at Hermione, then at each other again, and gulped.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Oh, come _on _Hermione. Dad already made us watch Star Wars back in Sixth year"

"We have to watch _another _muggle thing on the pink muggle box?"

"That's just cruel"

"Inhuman"

"Pitiless"

"Malicious"

"A clear violation of the 1998 Human Rights Act, The Part 1 Convention, Article 8, Section 1"

"Shut up Fred, Shut up George. Just watch the damn movie" Hermione said, popping some popcorn into her mouth.

"Look! It's a goblin!"

"So?"

"IT'S A GOBLIN!"

"Exactly, it's just a goblin"

"You tell Griphook that."

"Fair point"

"SHUT UP!" Hermione pitched in, throwing popcorn in the arguing twins' faces.

They turned and began to protest, but, upon seeing her eyes flash angrily, turned right back round and focused on the movie.

A couple of hours later, Hermione was reading Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, having already seen the movie several times, but the twins had their eyes glued to the screen.

"_Might a mere warmint ask what property?" said he_

_I faltered "I don't know"_

"_Might a mere-"_

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S LEFT BUTTOCK IF THAT?!"

Hermione looked up from the words, and frowned at Fred.

"That" she said, pointing to the screen "is an ent"

"A what?" The twins said together

"An ent. It's like, a tree. That talks."

"Looks like the bloody whomping willow" said George

"The whomping willow is a lady ent on its period" snickered Fred

"An _entwife _on _her _period" Hermione corrected Fred, her eyes sparkling with annoyance.

"Fred, George, just keep watching the movie" She said quietly, and they sat obediently and kept watching.

She was too late though. A plan had already started to form in the twins' minds. And there was nothing Hermione could do about it.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

_**February (After Ron has gone back to Harry and Hermione)**_

"I miss Ron" said Fred "There's no one to bully anymore"

"I miss Hermione" said George "There's no one to ignore instructions from anymore"

"I miss Harry" said Fred "There's no one to pretend to worship anymore"

"Where the bloody hell are they, anyway?" George said, slamming his hand down on the counter

"Running around the country trying to stop Big V and save our skins" Fred said miserably "We do kind of owe them, even if they are annoying us by not being here to annoy anymore"

"You know, twin, I think we should brighten things up for them a bit. I bet they listen to Potterwatch now Ronnie's gone back"

"You know, twin, I think that's a damn good idea. But what do we do?"

"Well, do you remember that film Hermione showed us in the summer…"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

_**A week later**_

Severus Snape prowled the corridors of Hogwarts, feeling sick to his stomach. He'd been feeling sick to his stomach since the moment those fatal words – _Avada Kadavra – _had left his lips and he'd seen the flash of pure, raw fear in Dumbledore's eyes as the green light flew towards him.

Dumbledore hadn't wanted to die, not really. He was like everyone else; he wanted to live forever, and Snape knew it. He knew it before, he knew it in that moment and he definitely knew it now.

What made him feel even sicker was the idea that Lily Evans' (He refused to call her Lily Potter even now) son thought he was a traitor. He wasn't a traitor, except to the Dark Lord.

The Dark Lord. A shiver ran down his spine. The Dark Lord repulsed him, but he didn't know that. There were a lot of things Voldemort didn't know about Severus Snape, and that was precisely why he was set with the task to teach Harry occlumency in his fifth year.

And here his mind strayed again. Harry Potter. Lily's son. The boy took after his father, no doubt about that. He _would _just think he could wander off with his two little friends and suddenly be able to defeat the Dark Lord when he came back.

_Lily would have done exactly the same thing, Severus, and you know it._

He shook this thought aside, though he knew it was true. In fact, had those close to her been threatened, Lily probably wouldn't have even bothered going away; knowing her and her redhead temper that she so often displayed towards _Potter _throughout their years at Hogwarts, she would have gone up to The Dark Lord, had a shouting match with him and then slapped him round the face and jinxed him into oblivion.

He smiled. He missed Lily so, so much. Before she died, he'd missed her, after that day in fifth year by the lake. She'd refused to talk to him after that. But now. Bow she was dead, it was a thousand times worse. Potter should have looked after her, he should have protected her…

No. He couldn't blame Potter for this, much as he wanted to. Potter was already lying dead downstairs by the time The Dark Lord got to Lily. There were three people he could blame though. The Dark Lord. Did he count as a person? More as a thing, Severus thought.

Peter Pettigrew. Snape's fist curled up at the mere thought of that man. He hoped that the Dark Lord killed him slowly and painfully. Traitorous little…

He shook the thought aside and moved onto the third person.

Severus Snape.

Of course.

He could have stopped the Dark Lord. He could have told him it was Longbottom, not Potter, that he needed to get. Not Harry.

Not Lily.

But then, Severus supposed, he would be leaving the fate of the wizarding world on a boy who couldn't even stand a cauldron the right way up. At least Potter had a brain, little though he used it.

The smile left Snape's lips. Harry was going to die, just like his parents had. Just like Lily. Severus knew it wasn't true what The Dark Lord had boasted. Lily and Potter would never have begged for mercy. Even Snape would give Potter that.

No, Harry was going to die defiantly, but desperately, trying to protect what he loved; Hogwarts. Severus knew it was his first real home, his only real home. Harry was going to die trying to protect them.

And who knew, maybe it would work. Just like Lily had left a protection over her son, maybe Harry would leave a protection over Hogwarts. Maybe.

_Maybe…_

"HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZADRY!!!!!!!" A voice yelled. A familiar voice.

"WE PRESENT YOU WITH………OI! FRED! GIVE ME A DRUM ROLL!"

Oh no.

"YOUR VERY OWN ENTWIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

_What?_

"ALL STUDENTS REPORT TO THE WHOMPING WILLOW IMMEDIATELY. ALL TEACHERS DO THE SAME IF YOU WANT TO, BUT MINNIE, YOU ARE OBLIGED TO GO"

"AND SO IS SNAPE"

"COME TO WEASLEY'S WIZARD WHEEZES FOR MORE FUN AND GAMES LIKE THIS!"

"BYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The twins shouted together, and then the noise was gone. A flock of students had left their ordinary lessons and were making their way to the Whomping Willow.

_This had better be worth it_

Snape swept down to the Willow, where a large crowd had already gathered, He looked up at the tall, knobbly tree, and very nearly gasped.

The whomping willow had a mouth.

And it was talking.

Or, rather, singing.

"_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,_

_Teach us something please,_

_Whether we be old and bald_

_Or young with scabby knees_

_Our heads could do with filling_

_With some interesting stuff_

_For now they're bare and full of air,_

_Dead flies and bits of fluff,_

_So teach us things worth knowing,_

_Bring back what we've forgot,_

_Just do your best, we'll do the rest,_

_And learn until our brains all rot"_

Then, rather spontaineously, it shouted "DUMBLEDORE WILL ALWAYS BE HEADMASTER OF THIS SCHOOL. DUMBLEDORE IS HEADMASTER, NOT SNAPE. NO STUDENT HAS TO OBEY ANY RULE ENFORCED BY SEVERUS STINKY SNAPE"

Snape pointed his wand up and silenced it.

"_MINNIE IS HOT IN AN OLDER WOMAN WAY"___it yelled even louder _"AND SEEING AS DUMBLEDORE ISN'T AROUND, ALL STUDENTS WILL ANSWER TO MAGICAL, MIND BOGGLING MINNIE!"_

This time Minerva pointed her wand at it, blushing furiously, and tried to silence it again.

"**DRACO MALFOY**_**" **_The tree began even louder **"IS A MAGICAL, BOUNCIND FERRET, AND ANYONE WISHING TO TURN HIM BACK TO HIS NATURAL FORM, AS SNAPE'S MATE BARTY CROUCH JUNIOR DID, YOU HAVE EVERYONE ELSE'S EXPRESS PEROMISSION TO DO SO"**

Malfoy threw his wand in the air and tried to silence it for a third time

"_**NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM WILL ONE DAY RULE THE WORLD! EVERYONE LOVE NEV!"**_

Another random student tried to silence the tree, but it only had one last thing to say, loudest of all.

"_**HARRY POTTER IS THE CHOSEN ONE, HARRY POTTER IS THE BOY WHO LIVED. HARRY POTTER WILL DEFEAT LORD VOLDEMORT ONCE AND FOR ALL. HARRY POTTER WILL AVENGE HIS PARENTS. HARRY POTTER WILL AVENGE CEDRIC DIGGORY. HARRY POTTER WILL AVENGE HEDWIG. HARRY POTTER WILL AVENGE ALASTOR MOODY. HARRY POTTER WILL AVENGE EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS DIED AT THE HAND OF THE BIGGEST TWAT IN THE UNIVERSE, BY SENDING HIM BACK DOWN TO HELL WHERE HE BELONGS. AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT VOLDY!!!!!!"**_

And with that, the tree exploded, and the whole of Hogwarts was silent.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

A hooded figure walked down Diagon Alley, eyes shifting left and right. The figure stepped inside a shop on the corner, walked to the counter and rang the bell.

"Hello, Weasley's Wizard Weazes. How can I help?" Fred and George Weasley said this together, popping up from nowhere.

"I should like to speak to you somewhere private." The figure said.

The twins nodded and took the figure into the back room. They stood next to each other, looking curiously at this mysterious hooded figure.

Suddenly, two hands reached out and banged their ginger heads together.

"OW!" they both yelled.

Professor McGonagall pulled down her hood.

"You _idiots! _How _dare _you pull a stunt like that! Enchanting a tree to shout out rebellion with you-know-who's spies littered everywhere! And you may as well have owned up to it, too!! Just yelling out the name of your shop! You'll have a visit in the middle of the night, from a couple of mad death eaters! You'll be murdered in your beds!"

"Merlin, Minnie, we never knew you cared so much!" Fred grinned

"Don't worry about us, Minnie, we're fine. If anyone with a Dark Mark comes in here, we'll know about it, don't you worry."

Fred and George exchanged evil glances.

"What? Why?" Minnie demanded

"They get apparated to a vault with a dragon inside in Gringotts upon entrance. And a little alarm goes off too, so we know."

"Very well" Minnie said faintly

"Oh, by the way, we've got something you'll want to see" Fred said, pulling a piece of parchment out of his back pocket.

Minerva took it and gasped when she recognised the scrawl.

_Hi Fred and George_

_Thank you for the prank. We heard the recorded version on Potterwatch – SOMEONE wants to know how you got the electrical equipment to work at Hogwarts, but you can tell her that later – and, well, it basically lifted our spirits. A lot._

_Pass on our love to Molly, Arthur, Ginny, Luna, Neville, Professor McGonagall, Hagrid and everyone for us._

_Prongs The Second_

Tears misted in Minerva's eyes. Prongs the Second…so he knew his father's nickname.

"Thank you, boys. I suppose this is why you did it, then."

"Well, yes" said George

"That and the fact there's no rule against it" said Fred.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Phew! That was long! Almost 2,500 words!!! Well, not that long. But longer than usual.**

**PLEASE REVIEW GUYS!**

**-MaryAlice**


	16. Chapter 16: Horcruxes

**Hello hello hello! How is everyone? I hope you're all having a very good day today! I sure am!**

**Anyway…Happy Easter to everyone (I know it's late!) and, if you've gone back to school already, I feel supremely sorry for you!**

**Today we are with the lovely marauders! Hooray!**

**This time:**

**I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!**

**(Any guesses who's going to be the one saying that?)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, I'm afraid. Wish I did **

**This chapter is dedicated to for her cool name and being the first to review the last chapter!**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"JAMES!" a yell rang across the rubble, and a dark haired man sprinted over the bits of rock and brick as fast as he could.

James Potter turned around briefly, and saw two things.

The first was his best friend sprinting and screaming like a lunatic.

The second was another Death Eater.

"_Stupefy!" _he yelled, but the Death Eater blocked his spell.

"_Accio Death Eater!" _The Death Eater was pulled towards him by magic, and, when he was within arm's length, James ripped off the mask and punched the murderous twat in the face.

The Death Eater fell to the ground, and James used Petrificus Totalus, just as the Death Eater's hood fell down.

It was Snape.

Rage ran through James' veins and he took his foot back and kicked Snape hard in the face.

Sirius had reached him now.

"James, Moody sent me. We – you – have to get out of here. Now!"

"What? Why?"

"Because if you go back to Headquarters there's free lollipops, Prongs. Why do you bloody think?"

"He can't be here"

"Well, he _is. _Get out of here!"

"No, no way. Lily's still here somewhere"

"Oh for God's sake! She's not even an auror!"

"She's a member of the Order of The Phoenix! And she's a healer!"

"Fine, fine. Whatever. I'll find her"

"No, I'll do it"

Sirius smacked his hand against his forehead. Why was James in love? He was so stupid when he was in love!

"James, if you go after her, then Voldemort will catch the two of you together, and when you refuse to help him, he'll kill you"

"Sirius, I'd rather die with her than live without her"

Sirius looked into his best friend's eyes, reading deep into his mind as they could with each other.

"Fine. But I'm coming with you, and if Moody catches you, I'm blaming you"

James grinned "Thanks, mate"

They started running back across the rubble, to where the majority of the fighting had been going on. James had been sent further away to stop any more Death Eaters coming in, and Sirius had been fighting alongside Moody until his boss had sent him to find James.

"LILY!" James yelled, and Sirius smacked his head with his hand again.

"_Shut up!" _Sirius hissed at James, and James looked at him, and then smacked his head with his hand.

"Sorry!"

"Whatever. Just keep moving"

They got to the main conflict, and started battling their way through the Death Eaters to where Lily was, on the other side of the fight, healing the injured.

"Sirius"

"_Stupefy – _yes James?"

"I think it's time we made this a bit more – _Petrificus Totalus – _interesting"

"Operation Meerkat?"

"Silently"

"Brilliant."

"The cloak's in my pocket"

Sirius pulled the invisibility cloak over their heads and they waded through the crowd, flicking their wand backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards. Death Eater after Death Eater went down, and their combatants stood, bemused for a moment, and then moved onto the next fight.

Sirius and James got to the other side of the battle, and looked back over their handiwork for a moment.

Where there had been tall, masked wizards – Death Eaters – there were now piles of robes that had slipped off their now much smaller bodies. All the Death Eaters were gone.

Moody limped up to one of the piles of robes, and poked a soft, squishy bit with his wand.

A little brown creature popped up and tried to bite his wand, at which everyone took an intake of breath.

In place of Bellatrix LeStrange – the Death Eater whose robes they were – was a _meerkat!_

Everyone stared for a moment, in silence, and the Deladus Diggle let out a little, tiny giggle.

Suddenly there were roars of laughter, everyone forgetting the seriousness of the situation, as they watched meerkat after meerkat angrily poke their nose out of the long black robes.

James and Sirius grinned, remembered what they had to do, and turned around to find Lily.

They ran into the house Lily had been healing people in, and demanded to know where she was.

"I – I think she w-went upstairs!" One of the nurses squeaked, and Sirius blew her a kiss as a reward as James sprinted up the stairs.

James was praying _he _hadn't got to Lily.

"GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" He heard a woman yell, and James' blood ran cold. He recognised that yell.

"Oh, but Lily dear, you _know _you want to join me" a man hissed, and James' blood ran even colder. Voldemort.

"Don't think so, scumbag. The clue was in the _son of a bitch _part" James said as he burst into the room.

"Oh, I was wondering when the boyfriend would be turning up" Voldemort smiled wickedly, and James' hand tightened around his wand.

"Oh go burn in hell for a few hours. I'm sure Satan misses you" James countered as he slowly stepped towards Lily, who was across the room from Voldemort, tied up in ropes.

"Very funny, Potter. You ought to hold you tongue" Voldemort's eyes narrowed

"Why should I hold my tongue for a dead man? Or whatever you are?"

"Dead? I think not, Potter"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know about the Horcruxes. So does Dumbledore. Trust me, Tom Riddle, you _will die"_

"How _dare _you! I am Lord Voldemort!"

"How, in any way, shape, or form, are you a lord?" Lily cut in

"I am a Lord of wizarding kind!"

"You're a freaking half blood!"

"You're a mudblood"

"I'm not the one giving myself a title, smart arse"

James tipped his wand behind his back and muttered a spell in his head. Lily's ropes fell off her and she stood up, rubbing her arms where the tight ropes had been.

"It matters not. Soon I will have my seventh horcrux, and I will be unstoppable!"

"Actually, I have eight horcruxes, Voldy, so take that!" A new voice said. Lily, James and Voldemort turned and saw Sirius stood in the open doorway.

"Get out, blood traitor, I have unfinished business to deal with" As Voldemort was saying this, Sirius was levitating a bottle of potion from downstairs under the invisibility cloak to James, muttering the spell in his head and flicking his wand behind his back so Voldemort wouldn't see.

The bottle tapped James and Lily on their legs, and they put their hands on it. They disappeared, and Voldemort screamed in anger, turning his wand on Sirius.

"Huh. Well, I guess you'll have to wait. Patience is a virtue, Tom!" Sirius grinned, dodging the spell as he apparated to James and Lily's flat in Diagon Alley.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Sirius Orion Black!" a girl yelled as Sirius appeared in the flat.

Sirius gulped. He's heard that yell many, many times before, in Hogwarts.

"How _dare _you taunt _Lord Voldemort_ like that! He could have you murdered in your bed!"

"Lils, calm down"

"No! I won't calm down! He could have killed you in an _instant! _One little spell is all it takes!"

"I wouldn't call it a _little _spell, Lily, it is kind of serious"

"Shut up Sirius! I'm angry!"

"Lils, calm down. What I said was fine"

"Fine! Fine! What on earth makes you think it was fine?!"

"The fact that there's no rule against it" Sirius grinned, and Lily stared at him, then smacked her hand against her forehead and went into the bedroom.

"I thought it was funny, mate" James whispered before following her

Sirius rolled his eyes. James was so whipped.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Thank you! Did you like it? Not as funny as others, but I hope it was okay.**

**Please review guys! The more reviews, the faster I write!**

**-MaryAlice**


	17. Chapter 17: Avada Kadavra

**Hello again people! Thank you to everyone for all the kind reviews and story alerts and favourite stories etc!**

**This chapter goes straight out to Love Among The Ruins, for helping me out A LOT with this chapter. Well, basically giving me the storyline. Actually, literally giving me the storyline. I'm just putting the icing on the already delicious cake!**

**BTW last chapter was meant to go out to Marauder Girl Has Gryffindor Pride, but I think FF got all freaked out because I did it as 1 word or something and got rid of it. Sorry!**

**Anyway, on with the chapter!**

**Today we are with the Twins! How spiffing!**

**Erm…I promise I will never use that word again…**

**Anyway, this time:**

**I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Fred and George pulled up in their Dad's magical car, fuming. They stormed into the house, slamming the car doors behind them and then the front door after that.

"What's happened?" Molly Weasley poked her head out from the kitchen door.

"Those bloody kids down the road happened!" Fred said angrily.

"Don't swear, Fred. And they're hardly kids, they're only a year younger than you!"

"Not the point. They _act _like kids" George scraped a chair out and collapsed into it

"What did they do, then?" Molly asked

"They threw rocks at the damn car, that's what they did!" Fred said

"And swore at us and called us names!" George added. Fred looked at him, then said

"It's _them _we're trying to prove are childish, not us. _They swore at us and called us names?"_

"They did!"

"Well, they're a load of spoiled brats anyway." Fred clarified for his mother.

"Well, you should just ignore them. They are muggles after all, so it's not their fault they don't understand you" Molly said as she bustled round the kitchen, then added under her breath "Mind you, nor do any of the rest of us"

"We heard that mum!" The twins yelled indignantly together, and Molly just smiled and went upstairs to clean the bedrooms.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Fred"

"Yes George?"

"A plan is forming in my mind"

"Excellent" The twins grinned wickedly and George leant forward to tell his brother

Outside the room, Ginny groaned inwardly. Trouble was coming – she could feel it.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

_**BANG!**_

_**CRASH!**_

_**SMASH!**_

_**KABOOM!**_

The front door opened, and the Twins stumbled in. In synchronisation, they turned back to the track outside the house and both flicked the rod.

Fred had a black eye, a cut across his cheek and was covered in grazes and scratches.

George's nose was bent out of place, his leg covered in blood and his arm had a long scar down it.

They both nodded as they went past their mother, who gasped and dropped the plate she was washing up into the sink.

"Boys! What…what? Why are you covered in blood?"

"Fight with the kids down the road, mum" they yelled down the stairs.

She tutted and picked the plate up again. She'd go and talk to them later, she decided – she'd need time to prepare herself.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Molly climbed the stairs, fully intending on going and confronting her sons. As she approached their room, a stair creaked and she heard their voices

"So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead."

"WHAT?" Molly screeched, flinging the door open, and looking into the room to see the two boys sat on their beds and grinning at her angelically.

"YOU KILLED A POOR LITTLE MUGGLE? WHAT DID HE HAVE TO DEFEND HIMSELF WITH?"

"His fists" Fred said, indicating to his black eye

"His teeth" George lifted his arm

"Seriously? He bit you?"

"Yep"

"Lets hope he didn't have rabies"

"Good point, twin"

"Thanks, twi-"

"HOW CAN YOU SIT THERE AND TALK NORMALLY! YOU'VE _MURDERED _SOMEONE!"

"I wouldn't call it murder mum…more an act of charity to society"

"Quite"

"YOU WAIT TIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Arthur Weasley walked into the kitchen after a long day of work.

"Molly, I'm home!" He shouted up the staircase, collapsing into an armchair, the springs squeaking as he did so.

Molly appeared from upstairs, her hair wild, face pale and eyes red

"Molly, what's happened?" He asked, suddenly feeling much more awake than before

"Our…our…our s-sons are m-_murderers!" _She burst into tears at the end of the statement

"What did they do?" He sighed, not needing to ask which of the five sons she was talking about

"They _murdered him!" _She screeched, then ran out of the room.

Arthur trudged upstairs, up and up and up, until he reached the Twins' bedroom.

"Boys, I know you didn't do it. But why tell your poor mother that you did?" He asked upon arrival.

The twins shrugged.

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Sorry about it not being long…or particularly good. My bad **

**-Mary Alice xx**


	18. Chapter 18: Ferret

**Hello again everyone!**

**Yes, I am alive. I'm so so so so so so so so so so sorry I haven't updated for so long! I could make excuses…GCSEs…friends…but really it's just me being lazy. I am truly sorry, and thank you to those of you who have not completely given up on me.**

**Thank you for all the reviews as well! If anyone feels like having a chat or updating me on what's going on, please do post a review and tell me **

**On with the story! Today we are with the twins! How exciting.**

**This time:**

**Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret**

**BTW I have been told in a couple of reviews that the set of "rules" I've based this story on were originally the work of someone else. To that person, I am eternally grateful and sorry. Grateful for their ingenious creation of these rules, and sorry for stealing them. You have my utmost respect.**

**THESE ARE NOT MY RULES!**

**Disclaimer: I wish. I own nothing but a furry hat and an overactive imagination. Ergo, I don't own Harry Potter.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Pinch me, I'm dreaming" said George, jaw dropped and eyes as round as saucers

"I don't care if I'm dreaming, this is too good to miss" responded Fred, eyes and mouth matching his twin's.

Draco Malfoy, snob of the year, was lying on the ground, having just been transfigured into a white ferret, bounced up and down by Professor Mad-Eye Moody against the stone floor, and then transfigured back into a human and left on the floor in an undignified heap by Professor McGonagall.

It was like Christmas had come early and collided with their birthday.

"Moody, we _never _use Transfiguration as a punishment" said Professor McGonagall weakly. "Surely Professor Dumbledore told you that?"

"He might've mentioned it, yeah," said Moody

"I'll tell you who he didn't mention it to, George" muttered Fred out of the corner of his mouth

"Who?"

"Us" Fred and George grinned matching wicked smiles, and scurried back to their dormitory to quickly start making plans.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The twins bided their time. Though they were impatient, they also knew that a truly brilliant prank could only be performed at the perfect time, the perfect day, the perfect situation.

That perfection came to them at the Yule Ball.

The drama with the Giant Squid was over, and Minnie had let the two of them return to the dance.

Fred and George had been dancing with two beautiful girls when the clock struck twelve and the time had come.

Over the years, the twins had developed a sixth sense for these things, when the perfect moment was, and this sense hit them at midnight like a tidal wave.

"It's time" Fred said to George, who nodded solemnly.

They politely extricated themselves from the girls, and strode up towards the stage.

As they were working their way through the masses of people, they were looking out for a small, slimy blond haired snake of a boy flanked by two massive, ogre-esque dark haired thugs.

Quite quickly, their eyes zeroed in on their target, and matching mischievous glints appeared in their eyes.

"Excuse us," they said to the crowd as they jumped on stage and took to the microphone

"Sorry mate," they grinned cheekily to the band, who looked a little disgruntled, "We're doing a speech. You know, because it's midnight and all"

The band nodded and put their guitars down, sitting on their amps so they could listen.

"Right…Hi everyone" George said into the microphone

Most people stopped talking, but a few Slytherins kept shouting loudly

"OI! Slytherins! Shut your traps or you'll be attached to the wall with a permanent sticking charm and itching powder down your pants before you know it" yelled Fred

They shut up.

"Right…anyway, we just wanted to make a speech" started George

"A commemoration to our dear school" Fred said with flourish

"An appreciation of our teachers and learners alike"

"Professor Dumbledore, looking dashing in his dress robes over there"

"Dear Minnie, our favourite teacher of all time" George tipped his head of house a wink.

"And, of course, our foreign cousins here tonight"

"To all of them we say…"

"CHEERS!" the twins, who had Accio-ed their glasses from across the room, held them up and yelled together. An echo ran round the room of other people holding their glasses up to the twins' speech.

"Of course, there is a rather _special _someone to whom we wish to gift recognition" Fred stated slyly

"He's always been there, to annoy us, to be annoyed, and we think we balance each other out quite well"

"No, we're not talking about Snape" Fred winked, and the crowd laughed. Snape scowled.

"We are, of course, talking about our favourite _animal _in this place"

The crowd looked confused

"Let us introduce…Draco Malfoy. The amazing…"

Draco screamed as he was lifted up high in the air by the twins

"Bouncing…"

They started to bounce him up and down, gently at first, building up momentum

"FERRET!"

Before the crowd's eyes, Malfoy was transformed into a ferret in mid air. His screams turned into squeaks as he was thrown around the Great Hall by the twins, bounced up and down like a basketball and, at one point, dropped down Snape's robes.

"WEASLEYS!" Minnie yelled, and the twins grinned

"We love hearing that" said George

"HAVE A GREAT YULE BALL" They yelled into the magically enchanted microphone, which projected their voices right to the other side of the castle. As they shouted it, they were pulled off their feet by the Accio charm and straight into Minnie's office on the floor above.

"Sit" Minnie said, and the twins duly did as they were told

"Did you enjoy our speech?" Fred grinned

"Yes, I did actually. But turning Mr Malfoy into a ferret was entirely unnecessary."

"Au contrare, madame. We felt it was entirely necessary. It added to the ambiance."

"Stop using French words. You are in Great Britain. Mr Malfoy's father, _as you well know, _is intensely powerful and could have the two of you expelled for what you did. Not only this, but your earlier trick with the Giant Squid would give him all the more evidence for you two being wastes of space in our school!"

"You don't think we're wastes of space, do you Minnie?"

"It's hard to think otherwise on occasions. Why on earth would you behave like this, boys?"

The twins shrugged

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Hmmm…not my best chapter, methinks, but a nice comeback at any rate.**

**So…reviews?**

**AND! Please tell me your favourite line in the review…if you have one **

**Much love,**

**x-Mary-x-Alice-x**


	19. Chapter 19: Irwin

**Okay, to start off, I am amazingly sorry. I'm a terrible person and I deserve a smack round the face and a firm talking to for not updating in about a million years. I am absolutely, sincerely sorry.**

**Siriusly.**

**Sorry, I had to make that joke.**

**Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to all the people who haven't given up on me. Thank you. I don't deserve you.**

**We're with the twins, chaps **

**This time:**

**- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class. **

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! Nothing nothing nothing. Except for a warped sense of humour.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Fred Weasley woke up with a start at six minutes past six precisely. Sitting up very quickly, he smacked his head on the low ceiling and groaned, rubbing at the injured area. This was the disadvantage of taking the top bunk.

Muttering to himself about stupid low ceiling and high bunks, he swung himself out of bed and dropped silently to the floor. Being the prankster that he was, he was well practiced at being quiet as a mouse when he needed to be. Today, he needed to be, because his twin brother George was still asleep, and the twins were light sleepers.

Leaving the room, he wandered down the stairs of Number 12, Grimmauld Place. He could faintly hear voices from the bottom of the house, the kitchen, but paid them little heed as he meandered around the ancient house filled with dark magic. He turned, noticing a particularly vicious looking portrait on the wall behind him. To his surprise, it pulled a face at him and made a rather rude symbol with its hand. Feeling that he could not take such an insult, as he was Fred Weasley, he flicked the offending portrait on the nose and stuck his tongue out. The portrait looked quite affronted and began to mutter about unnatural twins and blood traitors, but Fred just ignored it, rolling his eyes. Stupid paintings.

Continuing to stroll downstairs, the voices became clearer and clearer. One was Remus Lupin – werewolf and ex-defence against the dark arts teacher at Hogwarts. He was the best one they ever had to boot. Another was Arthur Weasley, Fred's father. He was fascinated with all things muggle, and even the thought of his father's obsession made Fred roll his eyes humorously. The third was one he didn't recognise, a female one, and it was a very strange voice at that. All the words that came out of it were being pronounced wrong, like this person was speaking English from a foreign tongue.

Fred's brow creased slightly. Who was this person? And where were they from?

Sneaking closer down to the kitchen, he pulled an extendable ear from his pyjama bottoms – he always had one handy – and listened more closely to the conversation.

"Yeah, so I've come up from down under because Dumbledore says you've got some trouble up here with some man named Vol-dee-mort or something. I owe him some favours from a long time ago, so here I am" this strange voice said, and Arthur and Remus made grateful noises in response.

Tucking away the extendable ear, Fred opened the door and stepped casually into the kitchen. A middle aged woman stood with the familiar faces of Remus and Arthur. She had blonde hair and tanned skin, and was surveying him with a someone disdainful expression on her face.

"Alright chaps?" Fred greeted them, waving his wand and conjuring up some toast. The truth was that he did not actually conjure it, but had been working extremely hard on the summoning charm so he could summon from long distances, like Harry had done with his broom in the first task of the triwizard tournament. However, instead of summoning a broomstick, he was summoning things from Percy's place in London. Toast, fruit, pumpkin juice, the odd chair or two…he summoned them all, just to annoy Percy.

Percy didn't know it was him, of course. But Fred could practically hear his scream of rage and frustration as the toast zoomed out of his hands.

By the time it reached Fred, it was someone colder, so he warmed it with another wave of his wand and sat down at the table to observe the three adults. They observed him with similar curious expressions on their faces.

"What?" He asked, feeling a little self conscious

"Why are you up so early?" Arthur asked, sounding a little nervous

"Bad dream" Fred shrugged, and Arthur relaxed a bit

"Why did you do a summoning charm to get the toast?" The Strange-Voiced one asked, and Fred grinned, answering

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. Anyway, where's your voice from?" He questioned bluntly. She raised an eyebrow, then replied

"My voice box"

"Hilarious. Where's your _accent _from, then?"

"Australia, of course"

"Australia? What the bloody hell are you doing here then? We're on the other side of the world to you!" Fred exclaimed

"I owe Dumbledore some favours" she replied "And he wanted help rounding up these Death Eater people and Vol-dee-mort"

"Oh, so you're joining the Order?"

"Temporarily"

"Can you teach me to be Australian?" Fred asked eagerly

"…no." she replied, turning back to the other two, who shook their heads. They knew what was coming, and it was this poor woman's own fault.

Fred grinned.

Challenge accepted.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

"Do you have a pet kangaroo?" asked George

"No." replied Georgia, the Australian woman

"Koala?" Fred enquired

"No."

"Wombat?"

"No."

"Wallaby?"

"No."

"Dingo?"

"No."

"Do you have any pets?" George sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Yes"

"What do you have?" asked Fred excitedly

"An owl" The boys looked disappointed at this, but then Fred asked

"Does it have an Australian accent?"

"How can an owl have an Australian accent? They don't talk!" Georgia answered, frustrated by now by the twins' persistence

"It hoots though" They said together, with matching grins.

"Oh Merlin."

"Hehe, say Merlin again"

"No."

"Please?"

"Pretty Please?"

"Go away"

"NO!" They shouted, and ducked as Georgia swung her hand to clip them both round the ear, grinning identically and mischievously.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

It was nearing the end of the summer holidays, and Georgia was looking forward to having the twins out of her hair. The other kids were fine; Hermione was amazingly clever, and excellent to talk to when you needed some intellectual chit-chat, Ginny had a great sense of humour and could make any situation funny, Harry was surprisingly polite for someone so famous, and you could see just by looking at him that he was a brave and loyal person. Ron was quite nice too, and was funny in his own way; whilst Ginny was cracking jokes, Ron was the subject of the jokes, and never failed to do something silly each meal.

However, the twins were a different story. They'd been practising her accent since the beginning of the holidays, constantly following her around, begging to hear her speak and asking her the stupidest and most impertinent questions. She'd asked Dumbledore to stop them, but he just smiled with that Dumbledore twinkle in his blue eyes and replied that they were not at Hogwarts so he was not at liberty to do so. Georgia would have glared at him if he were anyone else, but didn't, because he was Dumbledore, and you never know what Dumbledore might do.

One time, when Dumbledore had been exploring the world and had come to Australia, someone had told him that they didn't like his beard. Now, this might seem a very strange thing to say; indeed, Georgia had thought it was because she thought that Dumbledore had a lovely beard, as beards go.

Dumbledore had replied that a fine beard is a fine beard and must be respected as such. When the insulter laughed, Dumbledore flicked his wand and the insulter had grown a small, patchy beard across his face that looked absolutely ridiculous. When he tried to shave it, it wouldn't come off, but grew ever more ferociously, and in patches. In the end, Dumbledore kindly told him that the only was it would come off was if he said that Dumbledore's beard was the finest in all the land.

Georgia remembered the insulter saying this, his beard vanishing, and then him calling Dumbledore an arrogant git, to which Dumbledore answered:

"We must all be arrogant about one thing, my friend. I am arrogant about my beard, because it really is the finest beard in all the land".

Georgia chuckled, snuggling into her armchair by the fire. That man and his beard.

She pulled out a magazine she had been delivered from Australia, and saw on the front a man she recognised instantly as none other than Steve Irwin. Pulling the magazine open, she read the article with great interest about the latest crocodile that he had managed to tame. She was so thoroughly absorbed in it that she did not notice the twins creep into the room, so only when she glanced over the top of the magazine did she noticed the two redheads stood next to each other, grinning.

She sighed. The grin was always a sign of trouble.

"Who's that?" one of them asked, she didn't know which. Let's call him Fred, she decided, because F is first in the alphabet and he spoke first

"Steve Irwin. Don't you know who Steve Irwin is?" She exclaimed, noticing their blank expressions.

"Nope" replied *Fred*

"No idea" *George* interjected

Georgia sighed again. How little they knew.

"Steve Irwin is this Australian man who tames animals. Like, crocodiles and stingrays and things. Dangerous animals. He's amazing!" she gushed. She always did have a crush on Steve Irwin.

The boys looked at each other, did that damn grin again, then dived, stealing the magazine and running out of the room.

Georgia sighed for a third time. She knew that there was no use going after them, so she just let them steal it,

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The new term had begun at Hogwarts, with whispers trailing Harry Potter everywhere he went. The twins noticed this, and were somewhat saddened. Poor old Harry, lost his mum and dad, fought off Voldy four times, lived with awful Muggles for his whole life and the wizarding world was still being awful to him.

So, taking pity on their brother's best friend, they started correcting people in their viewpoints.

Every single time someone gossiped about Harry Potter within earshot of the twins, they were hexed, pranked, verbally abused or attached to the nearest suspended object by their underwear. Fred and George took great pleasure in doing all of these things a number of times to Malfoy, even though he wasn't gossiping about Harry, and the best bit was that McGonagall didn't even tell them off because she loved Harry too much to stop them. It was a win-win situation.

As they trudged down for their first Care of Magical Creatures lesson of the year which was actually conducted by Hagrid, rather than Grubby-Plank, they were whispering in each other's ears, something that all other members of the class knew spelled trouble. Immediately, they all started casting protection charms over themselves, and one girl was so afraid that they might mess up her hair that she was almost hysterical in her friend's arms.

"My hair…" she sobbed "My beautiful hair! I spent £300 having it styled in Muggle London, and they're going to prank my beautiful hair! NOOOO!"

Fred and George grinned. They hadn't actually noticed that she'd had her hair done, but they made a mental note to prank her hair just to annoy her. After all, it was what she expected, and who were they to shirk their duties?

When they eventually reached Hagrid's hut, the twins were silent, just smiling angelically. Some students got nervous and started casting extra charms, so that all students were now three feet away from each other.

"Why're yeh all spaced out?" Hagrid grunted at the front of the class "Come on now, huddle together!"

The class tried, but when they got too close together, their shields bounced against each other like bumper cars, so they were repelled backwards a little. Hagrid gave up, and carried on teaching them about the Thestrals.

Nothing happened, prank wise, for the whole lesson. The class were suspicious, but slowly began to put their protective charms down so they could stand a bit closer together. Maybe the twins were whispering about a different class, they reasoned.

The twins, however, grinned secretively. They loved it when they got an audience into a false sense of security.

Just as the end of the lesson was beginning to draw near, they drew their wands and waved them together at one of the invisible horses, which they knew was there because they could see something chewing on the meat on the floor.

Pink, sparkly paint burst forth from their wands and covered the Thestral, who, though for a moment looked somewhat peeved, seemed to quite like his new look, and carried on eating. It was now visible to the class, albeit in a pink and sparkly fashion. The class burst out laughing, and even Hagrid had a chuckle, when he knew the Thestral wasn't too upset. In fact, he was quite pleased that now the whole class could see what a Thestral looked like.

The twins, however, were not finished yet.

They ran, then jumped onto the pink, sparkly Thestral and began to shout, in perfect Australian accents

"G'day mate. Today we got us here a rare _pinkus-sparklius Thestral _ . Like an ordinary thestral, it's a winged horse that has an excellent sense of direction. However, while only those who have seen death can see an ordinary Thestral, this little fella' can be seen by just about anyone. That's right guys, even Slytherins."

"Now, this one here is a little bit feisty, so we're just gonna take it down a notch. Come on little guy, calm it down, calm it"

The Thestral stood, dociley, waiting for the boys to jump off him.

"WHOA THERE! Now you calm down!"

The Thestral stood, dociley, waiting for the boys to jump off him.

"Right, we're gonna have to detain him. Just, take him down to the ground and secure him so that he's not gonna take a chunk out of someone's arm. He's in a really crazy mood today, we've never seen a Thestral so angry"

The Thestral still stood, dociley, waiting for the boys to jump off him.

"Alright boys, yeh've had yer fun. Get off 'im now…WAIT! NO!"

Fred and George were attempting to wrestle the Thestral to the ground, but the Thestral had decided that sitting down was overrated and wanted to stand up. The boys were pulling at it's wings, trying to force it down, which the Thestral didn't like very much. So, he quickly took off, bringing the boys up a few feet, then dropping them on the floor. The twins groaned, rubbing their backs, and the class laughed harder than ever.

"And I think we're done here, mate"

"So do I, mate"

"G'DAY!" They yelled together, and hared off straight up to the castle before hagrid could catch them.

Unfortunately, they ran straight into Professor McGonagall.

"Now, boys, Hagrid sent Fang along to tell me what you two have been up to"

"How-"

"My office" she cut Fred off _"Now"_

They nodded, and obeyed, trailing up to the familiar room that they had spent a large chunk of their time at Hogwarts being told off in. This room held good memories. Like the time they set Percy's head on fire. Or the time they set Ron's head on fire. Or the time they set Hermione's head on fire. They didn't dare do it to Harry or Ginny, because Harry was the boy who lived – you just _don't _prank the boy who lived – and Ginny was scary.

"Now, can you _possibly _explain to me why you attacked an innocent thestral, covered it with pink paint – "

"Pink sparkly paint" Fred interrupted, indignant

"Don't forget the sparkles" George winked, and slid a high five to his twin, who complied.

"Fine, covered it with pink _sparkly _paint, then pretended to be some Australian fellow! Explain yourselves"

"We have really good Australian accents"

"We wanted to put them to use"

McGonagall stared, nonplussed "Is that _it?" _she asked, bemused beyond belief.

"Well, that and:

"There's no rule against it"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**Wow. That was **_**exhausting. **_**But you deserve it, because I've neglected you for so long. It might not be the funniest chapter, but I do hope you enhoy it.**

**Sorry, and thank you.**

**-MaryAlice**


	20. Chapter 20: Santa

**There is a reason why this update has come so quickly after the last – I'm going on holiday tomorrow for like 10 days, so I can't update. This is to tide y'all over until I get back **

**Well, anyway, HELLO! Thanks for reviews, thanks for not thinking I'm dead and giving up on me. It's all very much appreciated.**

**Today we are avec les marauders again, because we haven't been with them for a while. There is a reason for this, in that Steve Irwin wasn't around when they were, and neither was Draco Malfoy from the chapter before.**

**This time:**

**Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...**

**Disclaimer: I have nothing. Nothing. NOTHING! Just an odd imagination and a set of odd rules.**

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The exam season at Hogwarts was in full swing, and along with that season came the tell-tale signs of exam pressure. Girls fainted, boys cracked and screamed, and Severus Snape was being pranked more than ever, because James and Sirius were sick of studying and needed to let off some steam. Unfortunately for Snape, he was a _very _easy target. Easily provoked and easily disarmed, he was a straightforward prank subject that allowed James and Sirius to reap excellent rewards.

Today, they had used Wingardium Leviosa to float him up to the top of the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall in Hogwarts. There he hovered, shouting abuse at the two of them as they guffawed merrily below him. The students filed into the hall for breakfast, and most of them laughed along with the two most popular Marauders, though a few rolled their eyes and continued to eat breakfast as normal.

That was until Sirius stood up on a table and started to shout:

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" He yelled, making several pupils jump and drop their toast, "TODAY, AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE ENCHANTED CEILING, WE HAVE A PROBLEMATIC WEATHER CONDITION IN ACTION. WE URGE YOU NOT TO GO OUTSIDE, SO THAT YOU CAN AVOID THE SLIME AND GREASE THAT WILL COVER YOU IF YOU DO SO"

And, sure enough, the students could see slime running down the windows outside, like rain but greener. And more disgusting.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Another voice yelled. Sirius paled, as did James. They knew that voice. That voice heralded more trouble than any other voice in the world, and they both knew that if they didn't get out of there, sharpish, the person who owned that voice would hex them both into oblivion.

They turned, slowly, wanting to prolong the time between them and the gruesome fate that awaited them. They were faced with a small, sixteen year old red head with emerald, almond shaped eyes and a fiery expression on her face. James and Sirius both gulped, and within half a second James' hand had jumped to his hair.

"Hi Evans" he said meekly; she turned on him with the full extent of her steely glare, and he took an involuntary step back, mussing up his hair a little more. Sirius slashed his wand through the air, causing a large puff of pink smoke to appear and showering those around it with sparkly glitter. One can, after all, never forget the sparkles.

Using this as a distraction, James and Sirius ran for it, up the stairs, and into the first broom closet that they could find, laughing hysterically despite themselves. James stretched his hand out for a high five, and Sirius smacked it, saying

"I think we got away with that one, mate"

Just then, the door opened and they were cast into shadow by a woman with a severe bun and a grim expression on her face.

"Well, Mr Potter and Mr Black. Why, may I ask, are you in a broom cupboard?"

"We wanted some alone time" Sirius winked, and James slapped his hand against his forehead. He loved his best friend, he really did, but he was a complete idiot sometimes.

"Well, perhaps you should come out and join me in my office, and then you can continue your _alone time _later" she snarled, and they filed out, James' faces flushed with embarrassment, and Sirius looking perfectly relaxed; either he didn't realise the double meaning to the words, or he just didn't care. James didn't bother to work out which.

"Now, I am absolutely _sick to death _of giving you two detentions. You, combined with Mr Lupin and Mr Pettigrew, have written more lines than every other pupil in this school put together. You two have _your own drawer each _in the records of detention slips and you have not even reached your NEWT studies yet. You have had at least 20 detentions under every single teacher at this school, and a great deal more under my supervision. _I am sick of punishing you!" _McGonagall ranted at them, whilst they beamed in pride and pretended to blush and curtsey

"So you're not going to punish us?" Sirius asked cheekily, receiving a glare to make him shut up.

"Oh, yes I am" she held out vials of a familiar looking potion that they were sure they had been given once before "You have to drink this"

They looked at each other nervously, then drank it, shrugging. This was Minnie after all, she wasn't about to poison them.

"Now, Potter. Make Sirius laugh"

"Erm…do you remember that time when we set Minnie's desk on fire and enchanted it to sing heavy metal music, then chase Snivellus round the caste?"

Sirius' brain was sending the signals for laughter, but he couldn't do it. A smile lifted his lips, and he tried as hard as he could, but he just could not laugh.

"YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN!" He screamed, pointing an accusative finger at McGonagall "YOU'VE STOPPED OUR LAUGHTER!"

"Yes, I have. And you two will not be able to laugh until you do something nice for Mr Snape to make up for your appalling behaviour today. _Do I make myself clear?"_

"Minnie, we don't know _how _to be nice to Snivellus!" James cried "Sirius is allergic to it!"

"It makes me snuffle" Sirius said quietly, shuffling his toes, and the transfiguration professor and his best friend stared at him for a moment, before James, deciding it was much better for all their sanity to ignore this, continued

"Anyway…this is an impossible task!"

"Then, Mr Potter, you better get used to not being able to laugh anymore" she said, with a tone of finality which signalled to both boys that they were dismissed. They left her office, muttering darkly, and she smirked to herself when the door closed. They might be the marauders, but she had taught them for five long years. She knew some pretty damn good tricks herself.

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

The best friends were sitting together, miserable, at their table in Charms class. Flitwick had, originally, sat them as far apart as he possibly could, but that was useless because within two weeks they had worked their way across the classroom and were sat together on the furthest table away from the tiny professor. Lily Evans, of course, had noticed, and rolled her eyes derisively at them. Sirius rolled his eyes back, thinking that she was a stuck up, stuffy so-and-so, but James' heart fluttered because Lily had looked at him.

However, James' heart was not fluttering today, even when Lily walked past the table and glanced down at him. It gave a feeble little wiggle, and then went back to being miserable. The boys just could not work out how they were going to be nice to Snape.

"I mean, we can't _say _something nice because the potion will know we don't mean it" James sighed, ruffling up his hair unconsciously.

"We could try, I suppose" Sirius replied, also in a sigh, "But I don't _want _to compliment Snape!" he wined "There's nothing to compliment!"

"Wait…Sirius. Think about this"

"I AM THINKING!"

"Yeah well, think harder. I know it's difficult for you mate, but _think. _We're not going to do this, right? We _can't _do something nice for Snape, we just _can't!_"

"Yeah, well, we have to, don't we, Prongs? Otherwise we'll never laugh again"

"Well, unless…unless we do something to annoy Minnie so much that she makes us see that this won't affect us. Then she'll take it off!"

"That's a stupid idea."

"Do you want to be nice to Snape?"

"…Annoying Minnie it is, then!"

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

Severus slammed his book shut in the library, where he was studying with Crabbe, Avery and Nott. The book was heavy, and old, so when it was slammed so aggressively it released a cloud of dust, which the other three coughed and waved at in an attempt to make it go away.

"I'm _sick _of this. Who needs Ancient Runes?" he muttered, more to himself than to the others

"People who want to speak Ancient Runes" Crabbe smirked, clearly pleased with himself for his quip. Severus rolled his eyes, and opened the book again, knowing that he did have to study. But the symbols were all slipping before his eyes; his mind had been rendered incapable of concentration, and he knew full well that he wasn't going to learn anything that afternoon.

"I wish it was Christmas" he murmured crossly, and the other three grunted their agreement.

Little did they know that a boy with messy black hair and hazel eyes was behind the next bookcase; he had come into the library in the hopes of "bumping into" Lily Evans, and had instead found the group of Slytherins. Pausing to listen, he caught Snape's wish for Christmas, and cocked his head on one side thoughtfully.

"What on earth are you doing in here, Potter?" said a voice behind him. He loved that voice, even when it was threatening him "I didn't even think you knew where the library was"

He turned and saw the original reason he came to the library: Lily.

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Evans" he said, tipping her a wink as he started to walk out, now needing to find Sirius "Maybe you'll find out some day"

She stared after him as he left the library and, to her surprise, felt a slight smile on her lips. Noticing, she shook herself and concentrated on the books in front of her. James Potter was an arrogant toe rag, and a strange one at that, she decided, as she pondered over _Trouble with Trolls _and _Living the Dream: Divination for Beginners._

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

_I'm having a strange day _Severus Snape thought as he wandered down the hall for his next lesson. And he was right; he was having a very strange day indeed. First, it had started snowing at breakfast over him alone; many people thought that this was because of his mood, because the ceiling sometimes snowed oner a particular person when they were angry. However, Severus wasn't angry in the least, he was thinking about how best to extract the maximum amount of juice from a sopophorous bean; cutting it up wasn't producing nearly enough for him. The other students, not knowing this, edged away from him as if he might spring and attack them at any moment.

After that, a small choir of house-elves had followed him round the castle, singing all the way through his transfiguration class and earning him a detention. He scowled, and told the house-elves to go away, but they just sang serenely and sang "God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriffs" with ever more gusto.

During lunch, he had been treated to a full Christmas dinner, but when other people tried to have food from the same dish as him, they were repelled and sent thirty feet across the hall. This gave even more reason for people to think he was a lunatic, and yet more people backed away from him, thinking he would almost certainly spring and attack at any moment.

He was now walking to Defence Against The Dark Arts, alone. He was alone because he liked to get to places early, and his friends saw little point. He heard a faint whisper from above him, and when he looked up, he found himself being summoned by the Accio charm somewhere. Suspecting who it was summoning him, he sighed resignedly and waited for the next prank. He couldn't really expect to go more than one day without a wedgie, could he?

To his surprise, when he reached his destination, it was a deserted corridor with a cave towards the end of it. Walking towards this cave, he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of thirst, when he spotted a bottle of water perched on a piece of stone that was jutting out. His thirst was so great that he blew caution to the wind and drank from it. Immediately, he began to feel very strange.

Very, very strange.

"IT'S CHRISTMAS!" He yelled, reverting to his childhood self and sprinting towards the cave, barely noticing the sign saying "Santa's Grotto" next to it.

He ran in, and found an old man with a long white beard. It was now clear to him; this was Santa Claus, and all he had to do was sit on his lap and tell him what he wanted for Christmas. This was what he _had _to do, and then all his Christmas dreams would come true.

He ran, jumped on the man's lap, and began to list:

"Hello Santa! For Christmas this year, I'd like a potions set, a wizards chess board, a book on Defence Against The Dark Arts and a really good broomstick" He swung his legs, wrapping his arms around Santa's neck, who wheezed slightly, but Severus paid no attention, continuing, "And I'd like a pony. I know it's a lot, but I've been really, really good this year!" he weedled, looking up at Santa with big, black eyes, fluttering his eyelashes.

Those same black eyes met with amused blue ones, and Severus immediately snapped out of his reverie. Looking around, he gasped and flushed in sincere embarrassment. He was in a fake Santa's Grotto, sitting on the Headmaster's lap, cuddling him and asking him for various presents. As well as calling him Santa. Oh Merlin.

He jumped off, and Dumbledore chuckled.

"I think that it may not be too difficult for me to procure those particular items" he laughed "though I should suggest that you ask Hagrid about the pony"

Severus flushed even deeper, and ran out of the room and down the deserted corridor. At least, he thought it was deserted. Two boys were hidden behind a corner that Severus didn't notice, desperately wishing that they could laugh to relish in this moment.

"Why, boys?" they heard a voice behind them. They turned round to find Dumbledore, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Well…Minnie gave us a potion so we couldn't laugh" James explained

"And only she can reverse the effects" added Sirius

"But she said we had to do something nice for Snive- I mean, Snape"

"But we couldn't, so we decided to do something to annoy Minnie to show it wouldn't work, so she'd give up and give us our laughter back"

"Then we heard that Snape wished it was Christmas"

"So we annoyed Minnie and were nice to Snape all in one!" They ended together, beaming. The headmaster beamed back at them, and muttered a spell. The boys turned towards each other, thought of what had just happened, and burst out laughing.

"WE CAN LAUGH!" screamed James

"HALLELUJAH!" yelled Sirius "PRAISE DUMBLEDORE!" then, to everyone's great surprise, he dived at Dumbledore and hugged him, overcome with joy and getting his laugh back.

"Now, there is a simple matter which I would like to clear up. Why on earth did you choose to make Mr Snape sit on my knee and ask for presents _in May? _I understand he wished it was Christmas, but there are many other ways of making a person happy"

The boys grinned, then shrugged, and said in unison;

"There's no rule against it."

_**~~~~~HP~~~~~**_

**There we are, I hope you enjoyed it **** remember to review on your way out, guys!**

**Any favourite lines?**

**Also, which was your favourite chapter so far? I have to say, mine is the Oliver Wood one **** thanks to Maniac In The Making for all your help on that.**

**Anyway, 'til later then**

**-MaryAlice**


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